Her dementia is not advanced enough to not know who we are. My brother just says Dominic is dead and she gets very angry. I kind of just let her talk, but she thinks she is getting married on Saturday and I have to take her to New Jersey to do it. I just don't know how to handle this without upsetting her. She can get very nasty. Any advice?
My mother died at 95 of advanced dementia and CHF, and she knew me all along. It's primarily Alzheimer's disease where they forget their loved ones.
Best of luck to you and to mom.
Her brain is not fully functioning.
There is really no "way" to handle the nonsense that comes out of the demented mind.
I would recommend you all watch some Teepa Snow videos on communication with someone with dementia. There are a lot of little useful "tricks" but basically it is pretty much all deflection, and waiting for these little "weather systems of delusion" to pass.
It's not like Mom is going to grab her keys and drive off to the church/synagogue/courthouse.
There will be another Dementia Loop around the corner.
People living with dementia can come up with the darnedest stories, and be fixated on them. My mother was SURE that the therapy pony that came to her Memory Care was there to give her a shower.
Mom stood guard at her room door for the longest time - to make sure that the pony didn't come into her room.
"I am in my own little world, and everyone in it knows me"
The meaning of this became clearer after my Mom got Dementia.
We just say "Oh, okay! This bedspread looks good in here!"
Whatever works.
Now I know the best thing to do is say "That's nice! I like that pair of socks, they look warm!" Or some other complimentary thing. Mom wanted my approval, and it upset her if I said "he's not real". She would go on to something else, then come back to her gift delusion, then go on to something else again. It's real to her.
Now when she wants to "go to the bank and have a meeting", I don't argue. She can pack up a bag and pull together odd papers for "the bank". Then when she's trying to push her rollator out the door I might say something about rain, or "the banks are closed today let's go next Monday".
You could tell your mom it's really exciting to think about getting married, but it's not saturday yet, today is Friday. It might work.
You'll find that there's no "end-all" solution, just little bandaids we put on these moments. My mom loves to organize stuff. I can distract her with a box of junky old jewelry or holiday greeting cards and she might get interested in getting them in order.
Or she might sit in a chair all mad because nobody will let her go marching out the door to the bank. That's okay too. My sister will text me, "If mom only feels like being mad, just let her be mad."
It's hard doing this strange dance. You're doing fine.
He knew who everyone of us was. But he called my DH in a panic because he was locked in the church basement where he had been working to clean the rooms. He to our knowledge never once cleaned any church. The curtain next to his bed was pulled and he was "locked in the church".
He knew everyone of us. But the staff removed his window AC unit (there wasn't one) and left a hole in the wall to the outside....which allowed the snakes to come into his room and swarm him.
He knew everyone of us. But one of the nurses rolled his bed down hallways in the "basement" (there wasn't one) that had no lights and they emerged out of a secret door to the company where my MIL worked for 45 years before she retired.
He knew everyone of us. But he was going to get out of the bed and call a cab and go home.
I don't say any of this to be cruel, I promise. But just because someone knows who their family is, does not preclude them from their dementia advancing rapidly.
When she brings it up, change the subject. If she insists its happening, just nod your head. Telling her that he is dead is not helping - it just riles her up. If she gets to the point where she tries to get ready for it or something along those lines - tell her that the doctor has not cleared her to travel or leave the facility.
And definitely talk to the doctor about medications to calm her agitation.
This Saturday just never happens to get here.
He didn't have dementia, but his brain was affected by end stage cancer that was very similar to dementia. He cried for his parents and didn't know why they hadn't visited him. That bit was heartbreaking.
But the parties and the music he could hear coming from a band playing on the pier (this town's a couple hundred miles from the sea) were at least happy delusions. Like getting married to a long lost love on Saturday.
I realized she is in her own little world. I had to enter that world and communicate with that way. Distracting thoughts of pictures of her husband and family as they were when younger helped a great deal. By doing so I found I could help her to forget about marrying some one else. Maybe wedding pics of them will spark happy memories. God Bless U Your Family and most of all Your Dear? Dear Mother. I cherish every moment I spent with My Mother. And of course my father. Have a Blessed Evening.