I did everything I could as the last year some homeless squatter hoard woman had preyed upon him. I reported it to APS, filed a vulnerable adult protection order, she showed up on zoom five times, with delusions about being our family. My father became violent, angry, hostile, disoriented to person place or time. He also refused to bathe, toilet, medicate, and does not respond to anyone for last 2 months, including the predator, APS, the police, judges, etc. I suspect this woman harasses him multiple times by internet or phone texting as he does not remember things day to day after I let things expire after the 4th hearing where my dad refuses to attend, and the predator shows up. He does not remember anything from a few minutes back, and needs constant reminders via text message to do things. Every once in a while I would get a nasty text from him that I believe the predator would pressure him to say. The last one, while I had a concussion and my teenager sat in the hospital, I got a text saying "I don't need you in my life, please butt out."
I have two teenagers, work in hospice, and respected that wish as we all ended up very sick and in the hospital for our own health issues. Since my dad ignored everyone, including the predator (and everyone else after actions I had taken to set boundaries with the predator) I resigned myself to waiting for a judge to ask me to act as guardian. This person preys on estates, not leaving the estate, then filling the whole house up like a goodwill, then waiting to get evicted for years as she did at the last estate. Then I got a call from APS and the coroner's office my father took his own life a couple of weeks back by hanging himself.
I only feel relief as I don't have to herd him into memory care, get him to doctors, wait for more crisis, wait for him to die of a bed sore or incontinence or UTI for the next 3-5 years or watch him get turned into a cash cow vegetable for the medical community. So go ahead, share your opinion of this. I have had a horrible couple of days where I had to go through his dusty, moldy house finding clue after clue that shows his rapid decline, alone. I don't have the password to his phone, and so may only imagine what this predator filled his head with the last few weeks after I let the protection order expire.
He used to take meticulous notes of his life, health, bills, etc., but last few months he took a rapid decline off the deep end. I also felt extremely annoyed they found him a couple of weeks past the point that his brain may get analyzed for dementia, and so no one will ever know instead just left to our own perceptions. I feel grateful every day the only thing the hoarder seemed to get out of him involves getting him to pay for her $300 per month storage unit filled with more hoard. Prior to that it appears she forged a bunch of small chump change checks from the last estate, and used my dad as the proxy for money laundering.
Talk about having one's a** handed to oneself.
My heart goes out to you. Please take care of yourself. Whether Lewy's, mental illness, or a combination, there is nothing whatsoever you could have done about this other than those things you tried to manage. Absolutely nothing.
This is over. Dad is at peace. Please, as soon as you can settle what you HAVE to, move on with life knowing he is at rest now. People always come up with some semantic nonsense about how we should not use the word "committed" in cases of suicide. The truth is that your father was desperate to leave this life, and he left it, and I hope you will feel nothing so much as relief for him forever.
Tragedies like this one make me even more angry that most people in the US do not have the means to end their own lives in a calm serene setting when they decide it's time to go. Some states have it; some don't. MAID or assisted suicide or Final Exit or whatever any such program is called seem highly preferable to the suffering of this dad and OP.
Penny, I hope you find peace and comfort in knowing that he is no longer suffering.
Not sure I would go after this predator. May give police the info, and let them go from there.Seems she did not get access to thousands. I think its time to just get Dads house cleaned out and sold. Change those locks. Then that chapter of your life is over and you can start a new one.
I pray that you and your sons are feeling better and can move forward with your lives. May The Lord give you strength, guidance and comfort during this new season in life.
Great big warm hug!
Given the circumstances I might be inclined to turn his phone over to the police and have them look into the possibility that this person that was texting him may have had some influence in causing him to commit suicide. If he had never before talked of harming himself it seems unusual he may have been coerced (hounded, encouraged whatever words you want to use)
None of this is your fault though. Not one bit. You did what you could and no one can ask for more than that.
I think you should go after the predator now. Even though your father is gone, evidence of her crimes remain. If she forged a check for one dollar you can have her arrested and charges brought on her, and I really think you should. If you can produce any proof that she used your father to launder money or steal or do anything else illegal you need to bring it to the police. This is what I did. Hit that predator with everything the law can possibly throw at her. Make your father the last person she scams.
You're not getting your own a** handed to you by this predator. Oh, no on the contrary. She will be the one getting her own handed to her, by YOU. Make her life a legal living hell. Don't take the high road and just accept that your father got scammed and it's over now because he's gone. It's over when the POS who scammed and abused your demented father is in a jail cell, homeless on the street, or you've driven her to a nervous breakdown. Then it's over. People think that revenge is some terrible, soul-destroying thing and that if you don't "forgive" it destroys you. No, it doesn't. It's an honor. I say this in earnest and not because I'm a Sicilian- Irish- Jew and 'forgiveness' is not a term that is often used with us. Seeing this predator in jail or homeless on the street will bring you far more healing and closure than forgiving and forgetting what she did to your father.
Good luck to you and your family and I hope you do everything legally possible to see that this predator gets brought to justice.
I'm so sorry for this tragic loss.
I am so sorry for your loss but also understand that level of relief that it is over now and you can move forward with your life. You are not responsible in any way for what happened.
Predators are vile.
I don’t blame you for being relieved that you don’t have to drag Dad to memory care kicking and screaming , while he says he doesn’t belong there etc . I totally understand. We are on family member number 4 ( my mother in law ) like this right now , trying to get her out of the house . Dementia is an awful disease . It’s the disease with tentacles like an Octopus who squeezes the life out of the afflicted as well as those witnessing and managing their care.
I would go as far as to say , your father found a way to end his suffering . Even without the predator , he would have been suffering a terrible decline . My sister has Lewy Body , it’s awful to watch . Even worse than watching my other relatives with Vascular and mixed Dementias. My sister seems more tormented because of the variations of cognition . She can be pretty good for days than be really off the wall paranoid , distraught for weeks . Some days the meds either don’t work or zonk her depending on the day .
A very heartbreaking and bittersweet relief. Focus on earlier times and why
you were protective. The downward spiral was not your fault, and out of your control.
I'm deeply sorry for your terrible experience and the loss of your Dad.