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Hello. My father (79) has had dementia for a few years now, but only in the last few months he has become worse. He gets old memories confused and tells us things that happened in his past we know are not true. He has also become progressively more agitated and adamant about things.


A couple of days ago he more or less snapped. He called me in the afternoon and told me he could not do it any longer. He was very agitated and angry, almost manic when he called. I asked him what he meant, and he said, "your mother! I can't do it any more! She's been lying to me and doing things behind my back!" He then went on to tell me what she has done to him (like moving money to a separate savings account she opened), none of which are true. He then said, "I'm leaving!" And he left their home.


I found out later he went to get a hotel room. Mom did not know he had left. She can't be left alone for too long as she has a history of seizures and falling. She knew he was upset, but not to this extent. He returned home the next day, but will not have anything to do with her. He has basically said that he wants to live alone now. Mom knows not to cross him, so she is playing it cool for now.


I live 6 hours away and I am going to get her to bring her to my house for a visit for a few days, depending. I want to make sure she is safe and provided for. As for my dad, I'm not sure what to do at this point.


Anyone else have any experience with a situation like this? Any advice would be welcome!

In Florida, it’s called the Baker Act. You can, if you believe the person is a danger to self or others, have them picked up for a 72-hour (I think) involuntary hold during which they’re psychological evaluated. During that time, dad would be safe. He certainly shouldn’t be allowed to be on his own or check into hotels. Bad things could happen to him.

If you take mom into your home for any reason, she may be there for life. Think very carefully about that! It rarely works out well for both, and you may not be able to sustain the care she needs for the long term. If I were you, I would be gathering info for care facilities because that seems to be what they both need NOW, not in some hopeful distant tomorrow. Sorry, OP. No one likes being in these situations.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Your Dad cannot be left alone. I think its time to place him. Mom needs to talk to an elder lawyer about protecting her share of marital assets.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Dad should not be left alone and should definitely NOT be driving! Your best off going down there and getting dad's doctor involved for medication to calm him down. You can disable his car while you're there too, assuming he has one. They both belong in managed care, your parents, dad in Memory Care and mom in Assisted Living. Look into it asap.

Best of luck.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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He needs medication immediately to calm him down. Can you contact his doctor, or can your mother contact the doctor? Or when you get there, take him to the emergency room. His doctor might ask you to take him to the ER, and will alert the ER to his conditions and collaborate with them.

Also, yes, as others have said, he can't be driving in this condition.

I'm sorry you're facing this challenge, especially from afar and so suddenly.
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Reply to MG8522
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Thank you all for your kind responses. I have contacted an elder law attorney to see what can be done to protect my mother, financially, to assist me with getting them on medicaid, my father with VA benefits, and other legal matters such as placing my father somewhere. Thankfully, just 3 weeks ago, they both finally agreed to sign a durable POA (in front of a notary), so that I may act as their agent if need be. Right now, they do not earn enough retirement income to pay for a facility.

I have no idea who their doctors are as they never tell me anything regarding their health. I have no idea what or how many medications they are on. Mom is now open to telling me about these things and the next step in my plan is to contact their doctors. Right now I am just trying to diffuse a tense situation and bring as much peace as I can so they don't overreact and my dad do something crazy again.

My mom knows her coming here is temporary. She has already told me she wants to live in an assisted living facility so she can socialize and get the care she knows she needs. My dad would never talk about the future at all.

Again, I thank you all for taking the time to respond to my question.
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Reply to PeggyLoo2020
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I obviously do not know your mother or father, but please try to hear both sides equally. If I were you, I would visit your father in person to see and hear his full side of the story. To see if he had any real basis for his reactions.

They seem like they have been together since you were born??? I assume they both love you very much, so make sure to be fair and not only partial to your mother’s needs. He may not be able to control how he is feeling, or may have been legitimately upset with your mom???

Best of luck to your family!
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Reply to Tiger8
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My parents were five hours away and it was difficult to not be able to hands-on. We visited as often as possible on limited finances and with my own husband having physical issues as well as dementia. But it wasn't enough. You just can't do this long distance. You've started taking some very good steps. Dad needs to be evaluated and in Memory Care for your mom's sake. And mom will do well in Assisted Living since she obviously has already given it some thought. Tough decisions for your dad's care but in the end it will be better for him and even moreso for your mom.
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Reply to graygrammie
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With a diagnosis of dementia and incompetence legally someone now needs to be in charge. Quite honestly for the sake of BOTH of them, Dad should now be in a locked facility care where he can be cared for properly by several shifts of several workers each shift. Whether this would be a Board and Care that works for him, or memory care of nursing home, he is no longer safe and no longer feels safe in his own environment. That his assessment of his home life now is the result of a demented mind doesn't really matter. He needs to be safely in care for his protection and the protection and well being of everyone else.
This must be extraordinarily painful for you and I am so very sorry. Your poor mom!
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Seems like neither of your parents can live alone - or live together without another responsible adult around. Glad you are bringing your mom home. Take your dad to the ER for evaluation and treatment. He probably needs medications to calm his anxiety and agitation. Work with case manager to find a long term living solution for both of your parents.
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Reply to Taarna
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HI,
I am in some way anticipating a split living arrangement with my parents. Hostility between the two has brewed for years and both show signs of dementia. I like you, do not attend doctors appts. They have already separated in some financial way with financial things. You could say I am waiting for "the event" that you describe. In anticipation I took my dad to two AL places for tours 3 months ago (my mom was not interested to join us) I also talked to the VA, found out they have too much $ for VA placement. I am mentally prepared to put them in separate studio independent living if need be and spend everything they have down to zero if I must. Then let them become wards of the state. I am 55, with 10k to my name and a fulltime job.
When they spend down eventually VA will help.
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Reply to NewOnAnOldRoad
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Wasn’ t my parents. It was my husband of 50 years who experienced a psychotic break from dementia. He was really out there…. Having delusions, accusing me of allowing “that couple to move in the house with us”, insisting on going down to the basement but I was lying when I told him we don’t have a basement, accused me of stealing and rearranging his wallet, he started wandering at night and rearranging the house and putting things in the fridge that don’t belong there….
you get the picture. He got so goofy, I called 911, but noted he had a fever of 100 before I called them. He went off on the ER doc. Security was called. Didn’t take them long to drug and discharge him. They even sent him back home via ambulance just to get rid of him.
Best we could tell, this was all triggered by possibly a viral episode. No UTI, no pneumonia, no in hospital temp, but I have no doubt it was elevated earlier (I’m a retired NP and I do know how to take a temperature) WBC’s were also quite elevated.
The RN who gave me report told me she had worked with dementia patients for 8 years and many many things can cause these breaks. Fortunately, for the both of us, my husband returned to baseline sanity about a week to 10 days later.
What you are experiencing is scary as scary can be. Hope there are no weapons in the house.
I won’t advise but I can share my personal experience with you and hope it will help in some way. I do know I could not have managed the situation at home if he hadn’t come around. It would have put me in the hospital or 6 feet under for sure.
The psychosis is just WAY TOO MUCH.
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Reply to datanp97
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1.He needs assisted living . Your mother can't do it anymore. Take him into a hospital/ patient home for 3 months. That is possible. He either cools down there, or he needs to stay there for good.
2. You need to either move back and live with your mother to take care of her, or you need to pay someone to take care of her 24/7.

Both of your parents can not live alone anymore and you left them alone. So you need to buy 24/7 caretakers or move back in.
Otherwise whatever happens to them is your own fault and you need to live with that reality and guilt of being the reason they are harmed ( maybe even deadly injured).
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Reply to RR77earth
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MiaMoor Apr 4, 2025
You have no right to use such language to someone looking for help.
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