As you all know, my mom can't use the bathroom by herself and she depends on me to lift her on and off the bed and potty chair. As a result, I have to watch how often I'm out of the house and outside of one family-related occasion last summer, I haven't been outside my home county since summer 2018 when she became immobile.
It hit me a couple of days ago that if my mom wore adult diapers, I would be able to be out of the house a little more often and have a longer leash, maybe even go out of town. Not for vacations per se, but more along the lines of tending to errands in nearby towns and maybe do day trips if I really, really want to. There are a couple of restaurants in neighboring towns me and my mom haven't had much food from since she became immobile and my car likely needs to be taken to a dealership in a nearby town to get some things tended to since the one here has iffy service. I do hope she would be open to the idea and if she is open to it and agrees, it frees me up a little more and it eliminates the need to bring in hired help or search high and low for a friend my age that is willing and able to lift her on and off her bed and potty chair. I wouldn't have to worry about my mom's fears coming true about getting robbed blind via the hired help or friend.
And here's where it gets tricky, mainly on the day trip occasions. This is where I want advice. Idk how long someone can have an adult diaper on until it's time to change it. Am I correct that you can get an adult diaper on and off of someone without having to lift them up? Can they slide on and off just like underwear and panties and the person lays in bed the entire time? Can someone go hours without a changing or does it have to be changed ASAP?
If it has to be changed ASAP and if it can be done without leaning on someone who can do heavy lifting, I can have one of her trusted family friend come and tend to that if necessary. Surely there's a family friend or two willing to help with something like that, as well as give her food and vitamins when I'm doing day trips and she stays on schedule and doesn't get hungry and weak. You don't really need all that much strength to sit her up on the side of the bed. If my dad was still alive, I'd have him do it.
Am I on to something with this idea or is this something that isn't 100% practical?
2. Mom has been bedbound since 2018? Hopefully you got her a hospital bed back in 2018. If you don't have her in a hospital Mom's PCP can order one, you can rent one, or you can buy one. Make sure you get an electric one. The hospital bed will raise Mom up and also sit her up for you so yo don't break your back. If you don't already have one consider the bedsore prevention mattresses.
3. You have not left the county due to Mom's care since 2018? What is your back up plan for Mom's care in case you are hospitalized?
4. Most "theft" in home care is generally from a senior losing something and blaming it on the caregiver. Many times other family members take things. Sometimes the senior gives things away and forgets that they gave things away. I remember Mom's hospice homecare RN said the biggest threat of "theft" to a senior is family members taking things from the house.
Lock or sell or any diamonds, 14 kt gold and guns. Consider selling Mom's jewelry since she is bedbound. Change bank statements to electronic so nothing comes in the mail. Lock up any other valuables.
Professional CNA's do not want a senior's things. Most have very high standards and the ones that worked for us worked 2-3 jobs to pay their bills and furnish their homes with new modern furniture. No one wanted senior citizen stuff.
5. I think most readers on here would agree that their real treasures/inheritance in life is friends, family and coworkers that love them. I don't understand why Mom's/your's pending inheritance prevents you from getting a job? Most people in America work jobs while estates are being settled.
6. Given your young age of 33 consider getting a male counselor/therapist to discuss your situation of homecare since 2018.
And why do you enjoy seeing your mother tortured by her fears and anxieties, and isolated with no one but you? Does it give you a sense of power? Why don't you have her on medications so that she is not so fearful, and in assisted living where she can have some company and socialization (which she will accept once her fears are under control)?
I am continually sadly surprised by the situations on this board, that's for sure!
Mom needs full-time 24/7 care from professionals. You are not one. Please work toward getting her into a facility where she may thrive with companionship, entertainment, outings and a team of people to look after her. Or even carers at home, as long as they are not YOU. You're to be commended for your efforts, but you're not doing what's best for mom or you. It's time to get out from under this horrible situation she's inflicted on you. The cage you're in is escapable. Open the door and fly away!
She needs help from pros and not dump it all on her lone child that she "loves" best. However, I don't have the leverage to do that. Once my grandmother's estate is taken care of and my name is on the bank accounts, along with my mom's name, then I can start thinking of PT, if not NH, strategies.
Do I understand your mother has a substantial amount of money? Hire CNA's caregivers. At your mother's level of care I would only hire the CNA's (certified nursing assistants), not untrained home workers.
We had CNA's caring for Mom for over 10 years. Nothing was stolen from the home.
Having just helped a neighbor for a week who broke her left shoulder and right hand I think asking neighbors to help with toileting is beyond the scope of being a good neighbor (although I did it, I resented it.) The daughter should have hired CNA's for a week.
The CNA's are trained in safe movement for both your Mom and themselves.
You deserve to have a life, work a job, take day trips and travel.
We don't have to worry about going hungry or keeping the lights from getting shut off, but we're not living in one of the wealthy neighborhoods in my hometown.
You buy some assorted incontinence products (with her money) and bring them home, "So we can try them out." It's the modern way! (goes to show you are not a medical expert by such a critical change to your workload that was so obvious). There could be many other cool things available you have no idea exist!
Get the ball rolling, and be ever so happy at finding new ways to ease the daily hassle (and your back). Make her clearly understand it will save your back and your overall workload. Tell her you know she would agree and cooperate if she loves you, right? You are so excited to try this out! Guilt her the same as she does you!
What the concern here is that Mom is not safe alone at home. What if there is a fire? How does she get out? She may worry herself. You get her into disposables first. Remove her underwear and have nothing else handy. That's when the next step comes....
Others have mentioned the concept of RESPITE. Meaning Mom gets to visit a new place a few days, so you can get a break. She gets to have a team of professionals take care of her, while you are gone. She gets to talk to and meet other people, be in a different bed, gets to eat something else, and get out of her prison, just like you will. This is a huge step, of course!
Get her through the "new underwear" (don't dare call them "diapers") change, and I bet she likes it.
Buy her a new nightgown to wear on her "getaway" to respite. Make it like a damn vacation, be happy, enthusiastic, excited for her "weekend getaway" and just make it 3 days. Tell her she deserves a change of scenery, you wanted to do this for her a long time. You want her to be safe, cared for and fawned over by a professional team! To get a break from being bed bound and never going anywhere interesting, staring at the walls all day.
Don't ask her, tell her you have made all arrangements. It will be a treat she deserves. No worries! You need to take the car to the shop, check in with some pals, have some beers and shoot some pool. Not half as awesome as her "Vacation Getaway" you have planned.
Like the others have said, she should have been using disposables years ago. You are loosing years you will never get back. What if you got sick, or in an accident? WHO would take care of her then? A NURSING FACILITY. Not the horrible asylums of the past, but a luxurious retreat with full services. Don't let that game get past you! Have some color brochures handy to pull out.
You've sacrificed too many years already. You won't get that time back, either. Don't even consider asking a friend to change your Mom's pants and clean her up. You hire a professional aide for that. Unless you don't want any friends anymore. You are so used to being a babysitter of a helpless infant, you aren't even thinking how wrong it is for you to be her care slave. You may want to consider some serious counseling for your co-dependency of your Mother. Your life will be over before you know it, and as you age you won't be able to pick Mom up anymore. Start planning ahead to get her familiar with professional care. If something happens to you, it will be twice as hard for her, but is HER ONLY OPTION.
Stand your ground. What is she going to do? Try to out wrestle you to run away? Flip out, scream, go berserk? Call 911. Let her try a hospital on for size a week.
You are correct, OP needs to go to therapy and to stand up to Mom , which has been advised many times over to OP in previous years . He is young and losing years of not working, dating etc .
Don't give Mom anything to drink an hour before your leaving, especially tea, coffee or soda. Potty her right before you go. Depends do rip down the sides for easy off. There is a way to put on without taking her slacks off. If she is incontinent, she would be in Depends all the time if it were me.
Asking a friend to help? I will do a lot for a friend but changing them or a parent is out of my purview. Especially, if a #2.
I could reach out to HS friends that are involved in nursing or to her chemo nurses regarding weekend day trips.
Buy some incontinence products. Whoever you get to care for your mother should be paid using mother’s funds. I recommend it be a professional , not a friend . You can have a family friend pop in daily to make Mom feel that at least someone is looking out for her .
You could also install a camera . Mom may lie about what is really going on .
Do not give in about any paranoia she has about a camera either .
TELL mother you need a break , and stand your ground . You do not need her permission to take a vacation either . Mom acts like a toddler and will try to manipulate you .
As for going away for a couple of days or a week, that won't be until she's in the NH, if not dead.
They make adult disposables that have sticky tabs, just like baby diapers. One would need to roll her to clean her up and put a fresh one on. The Tenas where pull-up style.
Then you have the possible challenge of her acceptance. She may not like the thought of it, especially BMs. My 95-yr old Mom, still mobile, wears disposable briefs during the day and Tenas at night but would rather die than have a BM in one.
Why don't you look into temporary respite at a local, reputable facility? She doesn't need to like it. The point is *you need it*. Caregiving has to happen on the caregiver's terms or you will surely burn out as her needs increase.
My MIL was in LTC for 7 years at a humble, affordable, faith-based facility that gave her excellent care and had all types of activities and events and a wonderful staff -- on Medicaid in a private room. A beautiful place on a large suburban lake. If this place exists here, perhaps there is one in proximity to you.
Would my MIL still have preferred to be in our home with us orbiting around her and having no life? I'm sure she would have. But that was never a possibility. Even my own 95-yr old Mom lives next door to us knows that the minute she isn't safe in that house or her care overwhelms me, she will be transitioned to that same facility because I know she'll get excellent care and it's only 3 miles from my house.
Please friends don't want to change other people's poopy briefs and clean them up. I'd rather have a total stranger do it. Consider hiring through an agency where there is at least accountability if anything goes missing. You take a video with your phone of what's in your house. You store away all small valuables and sensitive paperwork into a small, portable safe, You make sure there are no desireable opioid meds in the bathroom or bedroom.
Join Nextdoor.com, which is an intranet of your actual non-anonymous neighbors and nearby communities. Post a "Recommendations wanted" for either a respite resource or an aid agency. You'll get lots of fresh "reviews" from people who have actually used the agencies or services. I use ND all the time.
Please make yourself a priority. Your Mom is an adult and you haven't mentioned if she has dementia, and if not she can adjust to change. As a parent of 3 grown sons, I wouldn't want any of them doing to me what you are doing for your Mom, and I certainly wouldn't want them to sacrifice having their own life, love, family, and adventures because of my care needs. If your Mom seems fine with sacrificing you in this way, I think you need to step away and take a very close look at the situation.
This weekend I learned about a resource called CODA. It is a 12-step support program for people in co-dependent relationships. Respectfully, I think you see yourself as being devoted when in actuality I see you are maybe being dysfunctional. You can do a browser search for local Zoom or in-person meetings.
May you receive a fresh perspective, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work out what is appropriate care for your Mom.
But more than just the adult diaper situation, if your mom can't get out of bed herself without help, how will she get her meals and what will happen if there was an emergency and she fell or the house caught on fire, who would be there to help her if you're out of town?
It is important for you to get away on a regular basis to get a break from caregiving, so perhaps it's time instead to be looking into placing your mom in the appropriate facility where she will be taken care of 24/7 and you can get back to just being her child and advocate and not her burned out caregiver who hasn't had a life since 2018. I'm just saying.
And of course if money is an issue you can apply for Medicaid for your mom.
Plus, she's been immobile since summer 2018. She hasn't made any sort of attempt to walk in any capacity for 3 years. The times she tried taking a step, she would be hanging on to me as I was getting her back onto her bed.