I have two older sisters. The middle one is closest to my mother (85, but with it), and has been helping her through hip surgery, PT, and recovery. My mother is and has always been hyper-independent, and is not taking kindly to medical advice. She's barely doing her PT and has been threatened with winding back up in the hospital, but that doesn't sink in. She's also talking about having the other hip done, which just about sent my sister through the roof to hear.
We need our mom to move closer to that sister, who has given every single night of the last two weeks to staying with our mom who gets up in the middle of the night and needs help. She's exhausted with that and the 45 minute drive.
Our approach needs coaching, and I have no idea where to turn. All advice is very welcome!
Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
This should get your mother on board with moving and accepting help. She can either accept help and maintain some level of independence, or she can continue in the asinine stubbornness and end up in a nursing home where she will have no independence. Her choice.
You cannot change people. You can only manage YOUR OWN responses.
If sister doesn't wish to do this "Rehab work", or feels she cannot continue to do it, then she must speak to your mother about it, and about why she will not continue it, nor do it again. That is up to her to tell your mother. And your mother will respond however she responds. As long as mother has no dementia, her decisions are her own. As yours's and sister's are your own.
Without Sister mom will be down to hired help or to temporary in-facility rehab.
Ball will be in mom's court once sister tells her she will not play the game.
I tried & tried & some things were OK but for the most part my 80 year old mom fought everything, we had high strung arguments, she's combative negative & argumentative & she has said, old people want to be able to still make their own decisions even if they're spinning in a circle.
So, I handle for her what I can, but when she starts the arguing, I'm out.
Trying to help her in every way put me on pills & into therapy. I only went once & I can't take the pills as they make me groggy but, I learned to let it go & let her do it however & go on about my business & THAT is the only thing that works for me!
And when she goes into full dementia or whatever happens where she's not able to do things anymore THEN, I'll take over! But, until then, I try to decrease my stress level!
I wish you well!*
Caregiving has to be on the caregivers terms . Your sister should only do as much as she wants to do until she is not able to or no longer wants to .
Hired help for overnights should be implemented or Mom goes to rehab . If Mom refuses either , then Mom stays alone until she gives in .
Mom can not force your sister to keep doing this.
If Mom is that unreasonable , she may have dementia .
3.5 YEARS of our lives to taking care of our disabled, stroke impaired parents in their home. It has been incredibly disrupting to our personal lives, exhausting, and difficult. I have been in counseling for the last four months and have learned that I do have a choice in the situation. I could walk away and so could my sibling, leaving two completely helpless people to figure out what to do next. We have chosen to continue on with it to the end.
*Our choice is not right for everyone.*
You and your sister are in the very beginning stage of your mom’s situation and you are already miserable. Don’t expect your mom to change, as she will not, and there is no way you can make her change or bring her to a point of reason. She will continue to put herself and her preferences before yours. I’ve learned through counseling I cannot change my mom’s demands, poor decisions, or her selfish/narcissistic attitude. Since I have chosen to see this situation through, I must separate myself from her power to upset me. I work hard to take nothing personal and to keep my own identity. This is difficult. It does help if you and your sister can maintain a united front in dealing with mom. When the two of you are not in solidarity, your
mom will pick up on that in an instant and use it to her advantage to manipulate her wishes. No clear answers friend. I wish there were. I can tell you this experience has placed my husband and I in decision making mode for our future. At 70 years of age, we know we are not that far away from age related problems of our own. Therefore, we have planned and prepared now to prevent us from placing our own child in this type of situation as we age. Good luck and best wishes to you and your sister on this journey.
Not doing PT for her recent surgery yet talking about doing the other hip is fantastical thinking.
For now Mom should pay for overnight aids so that your sister doesn't become exhausted. None of you is obligated to be passengers on a bus driven by a possibly cognitively impaired elder. I'd question *your* sanity if you continue riding it.
FYI your Mom not drinking water may mean she's dehydrated, and dehydration symptoms in elders can look like confusion and cognitive impairment. Eventually it will impact her kidney function and her hip surgeries will be all for naught.
Are any of you sisters her PoA? If not -- and she doesn't have one at all -- then this is a looming disaster for her. Even with a legal and active PoA it is extremely difficult to get an uncooperative, resistant adult to do things in their own best interests -- like transition into a facility or accept in-home private aids. Please let us know if she at least has a PoA. If so, this is now the person who steps forward and gets her in for a cognitive/memory test in order to activate the authority.
A declining elder without a PoA is on a track for a court-assigned 3rd party legal guardian. None of you will be able to access or manage her finances or her medical care. She must have a legally assigned representative. Hoping it's one of you sisters.
Well, everything, if you wait long enough. My cousin, who was 85 at the time, had various joint surgeries. She faithfully did all her PT despite the pain. Her doctor told her that most patients her age do not, and that's why most did not fully recover as cousin did.
No point in telling your mom this. She doesn't get it. She never will. So you let the chips fall where they may, and that's that. I'm sorry.
th my mother in law, she kept getting declared “competent” and because of that, she was legally allowed to refuse help, refuse meds, fall 6 times in 12 hours and be allowed to refuse and kick out emt’s that were called to her house for assistance. She was also in the process of electing to have SPINAL surgery at 77 years old with a diagnosis of WORSENING MS. She was mean, and flat out rude. But because she could pass the MMSE, we had NO choice but to “allow” her to act this way. Stepping out and leaving her to her own devices was NOT an option- if she were to hurt herself, die, neglect herself and we just “stopped enabling” there was a very real chance of legal percussions against us in the form of neglect. You cannot just simply “ignore” them knowing they need help- it’s flat out neglect. Which is hard to even do when you’re a caring person anyway. So sometimes people get backed into a corner with no better option. Not all people that are stuck in the insanity of enabling are sick people too. Sometimes there is no alternative until you can find one. Which if you’ve never been through this before, you have NO idea where to turn. Thank GOD we were able to hire an elder law attorney that helped us file for emergency guardianship. It is through that process my mother in law was court evaluated and declared incapacitated and guardianship was awarded to us. It was only then when we could stop “enabling”
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