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I think the best thing to do is devise a plan with a lot of "what-ifs." I am working on (and touring ) a list of retirement homes or nursing homes I could afford, sources for care giving options, finding a person(s) who is line to help make decisions when I can't, making a financial plan. I'm setting this up as if I was doing this for someone else.
Unlike some neighbors I’ve seen, who’ve retired early and have either had to move in with family because their marriage broke apart or they just didn’t plan right so they actually “got lucky” and died, I’m continuing and will continue to work, as long as I can hold onto my job and work on other streams of income, if I can. I’ve built a list of ideas, for myself, to hopefully make money. It was also why I fought for my inheritance so, if I have to sell the mortgage free house I inherited, I have that. I’ve long understood we were in a downward trend, whomever is in office. This, however, is a hallmark year, with what I see people going through, to try to remain fed and sheltered. I’m also a bit of a prepper so, I have 1 year of food stored up. My employer offers free long term care, but with things the way they are, what that will exactly look like, should I need it, I don’t know. Still, I have low expectations. No one knows what other changes will come, whether it’s economic, health, or how long they’ll live. It can be painful to watch, however. Even if the neighbors I had, had probably been a more prepared, it probably still wouldn’t have been enough. It is difficult because, I am just entering my senior years, as I’m days away, from turning 60. I’ve had neighbors and their families look to me for eldercare, in part, due to prejudicial reasons and not caring, if I worked 2 full time jobs. One neighbor was likely aiming for me to BE her entire financial, housing, and blessing care plan, as her family wanted nothing to do with her. For someone who doesn’t have, the math is easy. You just divide up your resources in half, they’re taken care of, you ruin your health caring for them and, when they die, you’ve got nothing. So, there are no good answers.
Hopefully you have replied NO to the neighbor who wanted to use you as her care planning, housing and financial aid. The saying goes: Sorry, but lack of planning on your part does not mean a crisis on my part. You need all your resources for you.
My older sister (66) is single and never had kids. She worries about this constantly, as we are both taking care of our mother now. She has an extremely close relationship with all of my children, so I’m confident they will not let her be neglected if I should go before her. Especially my oldest and his wife, she has made them secondary after me. They have agreed to be MPOA for her.
No kids, no burdens to kids. Don’t count on anyone’s or your children or grandchildren, or other family, for your care. Unfortunately, kids and grandkids all have to work for their own welfare to fund their future care. Everyone is outliving their money and health, thanks to advanced medical care.
I have recently installed grab bars in my two bathrooms!
Unless folks have at least $3 million to $5 million, or a combination of assets and livable income for home care/facility, you life goes down the tubes to obtain the exorbitant costs of care will that wipe you out. Sure, there’s Medicaid, but don’t be so sure anymore with federal government problems today.
Unfortunately, CCRC is not an option for me due to high costs in CA, in fact, everywhere. I have only a fixed income on SSA, making moving or relocation impossible unless an emergency. My remote siblings do not encourage me to sell all of my assets until further notice.
Being I have no local family in CA, I will live independently where I am, stay in touch remotely and hope for the best as long as possible. When assisted living is necessary, I may count on stepfamily who lives in OR. The alternative is with my area county on aging care. So unfortunately, foster care split us siblings apart permanently.
I was never able to look into long term care coverage due to costs and my late mother's situation of caring for her, plus past unemployment.
My health is not so good at 69 anymore, so health care and safety for myself is vital to stay in my condo. Hope no emergency or evacuation becomes necessary. With prayers and luck, I am enjoying life with fun, volunteering and some friends.
I do not want to end up in any LTC facility. I can't be sure that won't happen, but I am doing what I can to avoid it.
I have not only the routine paperwork completed, but I created a binder with all kinds of information such as contacts, care providers, useful instructions, and personal preferences (e.g music, toiletries, food).
I would like to create a formal "care circle" (neighbors who serve as advocates for each other), but to date I have only a very informal network.
See --> https://www.ic.org/directory/delray-caring-community/
Finally, I am prepared to "exit" should I be diagnosed with a significantly debilitating or painful incurable illness.
I understand the care circle idea. In my neighborhood we tried such informally. It was overwhelming when a few who should have lived with family instead used the care circle more extensively. Burnout among those who gave but luckily did not need to receive.
No kids and husband in very poor health (home hospice in near future) but fortunate to have great medical. Small pension, own home and plannED on selling, using RMD & SS to move to senior community but if WE lose SS I will have to age in place. Cannot stand few of my neighbors, older than me and NO extended family that have no sense of personal or community security,
I have partial LTC.
My plan is to hopefully return to work “after” am considering a room mate but that is the way to lose a friend. But I want to be busy and save up money to buy a car.
Married for 30+ years and good relationship with stepkids and their kids but once husband dies I think those ties will fade so making plans that don’t include them.
Wishing all of us that are aging health, sanity and a safe place.
Took care of my mom who had dementia & Type 2 diabetes and ended up placing her in residential care home. So don’t want to be that burden to anyone.
I'm 69, widowed this past September, and am following through on a plan I formulated many years ago -- I'm looking at "Lifeplan Communities" (formerly known at Continuing Care Retirement Communities).
After caring for my mil in my home, my mother long distance (while dealing with my own disabled husband), and then trying to make sure dad was okay after mom passed, I decided I did not want my children having to worry about me or feel responsible for me. I wanted them to have their own lives, especially when they reach retirement years themselves.
My son, who moved in here in 2018 and was a great help with his dad, says he doesn't understand why I would want to go live with old people. (Nice to know I'm not an old person to him, lol.) And my response is that he had to help his father on and off the toilet, I really don't want him having to do that for me.
So far, the communities I've looked at are very nice -- but almost too nice for me. It is not a lifestyle I am accustomed to. So I will continue to look and hopefully find something a little more middle class.
I see you are from PA not far from me. We have these “LifeCare” or “SmartLife” retirement homes all over the area and they are amazing! If you have a great monthly income and investments to buy into these places. I’ve been interviewing myself as my husband is terminal in Skilled Nursing. It’s an eye-opener for sure. I’m 71. I would never, ever put my sons in a position where they feel they must take me in! I’d rather die! Think of their spouses, too. I think their wives would be livid since their moms are widowed and taking care of themselves. It’s terrible for people to demand it and even worse to have planned for a family so they are “taken care of” in old age and put a guilt trip on their adult children to step up to the plate! I was a caregiver to my ailing spouse due to early onset dementia and it was breaking me physically & mentally. No way could I take a parent in on top of this unexpected turn in our lives!
Right now I'm considering a not-for-profit continuing-care retirement community (aka "Life Plan Community") in a nearby city. I'm 74, childless and single, finally retired after long professional career and years of caregiving for mother and (later) brother. I live alone in the mountains 35 miles from a small city. After a lifetime of sturdy good health that I took for granted, I was hit with myeloma. Good news: I'm surviving. Bad news: I'm weaker than I expected to be at this age. Loving stepdaughter offers help, but I won't have her "sandwiched" between her own family and a frail elder. Been there. The pluses: An accessible one-level home with no mortgage. Old but good vehicle. Adequate retirement income and good health insurance. Some savings in case the myeloma comes roaring back requiring hellishly pricy drugs. The minuses: Deferred maintenance needed for 50-yr-old home, which must be sold to qualify for the continuing-care community. Lack of energy to "Take Care of Business." (I used to be so good at this stuff!)
While I understand you are trying to avoid having her be "sandwiched" if she has offered, please find something she can do to help you that she can do at her convenience. Otherwise, she may feel helpless if there is something she knows could help with but not allowed. Since you consider her a loving step-daughter, her love language may be "acts of service" which would be her way of expressing that love. As long as you consciously keep your guard up to not depend on her, she should not feel sandwiched.
My spouse and I are in our 60s, finally able theoretically to think about traveling or doing what we want, except that we spend an inordinate amount of time dealing with the needs of three people in their 80s. In each case their selfishness/inability to recognize limitations contributes to their current predicaments and we are determined not to repeat that.
We have given ourselves 10 more years in our current house, then off we go to senior living. We have no kids. I've also told nieces and nephews that if they're ever in a position to make decisions for us, whatever they decide is right -- regardless of what cranky old me may say later on!
We also are having to look at a much more bleak scenario, if our elders have their LTC Medicaid and/or Social Security taken away. If that happens, the financial impact on us will devastate our own retirement plans. Then I guess it's back to work for as long as we can manage. This is not a political statement, just the type of contingency planning we now need to do.
A bleak, scary situation for me (late 60’s) and many others too…no SS and goodbye to Medicare.. Good luck contingency planning. I read an AARP article about annuities but not sure if they wrote that before our economy, stock market and tariff unknowns hit the fan.
Elizabeth: Regarding the Swiss plan, I'm assuming that people know this but maybe not everyone: there are certain states in US that do have programs for "assisted dying" (that's probably not the official name). I don't know which states there are which offer this option but this info should be readily available. I believe that in one such state, if you have medical confirmation that you have 6 months or less to live (because of cancer, for example), you can enroll in such a program.
See Compassion & Choices for detailed info: https://compassionandchoices.org/states-where-medical-aid-in-dying-is-authorized/. Most states that permit MAiD have a residency requirement too.
make sure your digitize accounts numbers and passwords are an addendum to you will and also make sure your POA has access to them. I had a client who was totally inconsolable while doing her taxes because we needed to download her tax information from her bank and she couldn't remember her logon and password. I thought we were going to need to call 911 she had worked herself up into such anxiety state with shortness of breath. She did go home and got her password book but there was a glitch regarding 2 step authentication. Please know we are living in a world where we have digital footprints to just about everything we do from phone calling to banking, shopping and more. Just take a deep breath and plan your digital footprint's accessibility for your POA and executors.
I am a single 69 yo male in good health. I have no children. My mother is 87 and she has lived with me since 2019 when my stepfather of 30+ years went into memory care. Luckily, so far, she has no cognitive issues. I'm learning a lot with her, especially since she has been in the hospital 6 times in the last 14 months. I have been self employed for over 35 years, and I work mostly from home. I could never afford long term health insurance. Some of the things that I have done for Mom that should help me in the future is that in her bathroom I have railings and a walk-in tub (getting her to bathe is another story in itself), and I have a large walk-in shower in my bathroom. I also have a stair-lift since bedrooms are upstairs. I also have someone that comes by for an hour ever day and changes her and makes sure that she is clean. That in itself has helped a lot and I'm sure that I will one day need to do that for myself. If I ever get incapacitated, I will just have to wing it and hope for the best.
My husband and I are 52 and 53, and have seen a lot in recent years between the aging of his grandparents and my parents. His grandparents lived to be in late 90s and his grandmother on one side just passed away at 100 years of age. I’ve seen it all from having well funded retirement and adequate funds for care to my mother, Not quite qualified for Medicaid, but very little in savings and living on Social Security. One thing is clear I want to spare my kids as much pain as possible. I am also in the situation myself of being the only child to deal with my mother, 77, who has a long history of mental illness, etc.
our kids are currently 21 and 24 years old. Our son, the oldest, also happens to have autism spectrum disorder that is very mild, but I think will inhibit his ability to do much hands-on care. He is brilliantly, smart, responsible with money, etc. He has a keen understanding of policies and rules and finances, even at his current age. So we will probably leave him as our DPOA. Our daughter seems more willing to do hands-on, but she has a lot of career aspirations that could take her far from home. I don’t count on her to be hands-on.
I am determined that we will set aside some sort of funding for our care. I’ve been reading a lot about long-term care, annuities. I don’t have much faith in long-term care insurance, both in our ability to qualify and in the ease of using them. The kids have been around their great grandparents quite a lot at the local assisted living facilities. I keep telling them that we will just be willing to go to one of those when it is time. And even at that, there is still so much that still needs to be done for the elder. Taking to appointments, managing their bills, buying their clothing, etc. I already feel badly for our kids who will eventually be in this position with us. I’m just going to try and make it as easy as possible. After my husband retires and has some time, we also plan to really do a clean out of our house.
We have told our kids to drop us off at the VA since we are both veterans! That is our snarky, wiseacre response and also a real option.
Until that is a necessity, we are focused on living well AND having things set up to make life easier. Most bills are autopay. We plan on adding a ramp to the side of the house and double doors to help with mobility issues (my knees have arthritis). We already have wills in place that divvy up our belongings. Not quite ready to make out POAs yet since our girls need to grow-up a little more. Definitely not candidates for DNRs - which can be decided on when needed at hospitals should the need arise.
This was a very informative posting and I have read every answer. I would suggest many readers re-read the posting by Fawnby regarding the LTC policy experience (especially if you are fairly early on in the aging spectrum). There is a lot of truth in Fawnby's example of building CDs, etc. to self-fund/manage your care expenses. (I am doing it now for 93 yro mother, with funds from the sale of her home. It does take time and effort to manage this, but it also allows me to forcast expenses over the next 7-10 years and adjust spending accordingly.) Good luck to all!
Swap out my two 35 year old toilets with the ADA toilets (taller) in my house.
Install a grab bar in walk in shower. (I have wood framing in the wall beneath the tile to mount it to.) When I re-tiled I wasn't ready to install the grab bar but the contractor put in extra wood beneath the tile for future grab bar install.
I just hired a personal trainer to work on building muscle 3x per week, 30 minutes.
Buy a lazyboy chair.
Install a railing along the wall of my garage to help with the two steps into the house.
My husband and I will turn 60 this year. We have one grown son but he is NOT part of any caregiver scenario and never will be other than DPOA and health care proxy if the other of us is dead. NO hands-on care from him.
Consolidated finances, saving, updated legal doc, ensuring everything is clear and accessible, all bills on autopay — yes to all that. Regular discussions with husband around what each of us would want if we become incapacitated in various ways.
Two things I hope I can do:
“Swedish death cleaning” or letting go of possessions at the right time in phases as I age. I will have a massive amount of my mom’s possessions to deal with when she dies.
Moving to continuum of care BEFORE any crisis occurs. I pray I don’t lose the ability to perceive that I am no longer living in a healthy or sane way. Or at least that I realize the risk is upon me and that I act before it comes to pass.
I guess the trick is to determine when that time has come.
I have a dear friend who has tattooed across her chest DNR. I wonder if it will help.
My husband and I are both 55, no kids. We are socking away money for the eventuality of memory care. If dementia never comes to pass, then our sisters and our neices and nephews will inherit that money. And I hope they save it for their own elder care. I have had frank talks with my sister about how I don't want to live with her or the kids. I want to be put in a facility. I also bought "What to do now that I'm dead" books from Amazon. I need to fill in all the information. And we still need to do wills and power of attorney documents. It's never too soon, but it's definitely too late if you are cognitively impaired. I want to put it in writing that if my husband is dead, my sister will be my POA, then my nephews. I don't want them to have any trouble writing checks from my accounts if I am impaired and my husband is gone. We still need to do these things. Maybe I should go ahead and put a date on our calendar. "See attorney." I shouldn't put it off.
For me personally. My dad died of prostate cancer when I was only four. My mom was a breast cancer survivor. But I've chosen to not let that put fear in my heart that I will now get cancer. So far I've been good and none of my 6 siblings have had it.
I'm trying to practice mindfulness. All I have is now. What happens tomorrow happens tomorrow. Live each day and all that jazz.
AlvadDeer -- I have had two breast cancers as well and am BRCA 2 positive. And still enjoying life at 65, with every intention of doing so for another 20 years if I can. You absolutely owe it to your children to let them know if they should get tested themselves, it is UP TO THEM to decide if they want to know or not. If they are positive, it will alter the way they are surveilled or not, and could impact their treatment options.
I guess as caregivers and former caregivers we have seen first hand what the ravages of old age look like. But I wonder about people who never have and never will be caregivers. Do you think they are wearing rose colored glasses about old age and what it's inevitably going to look like? Are we better off knowing? or would it be better to just be ignorant of what the future could possibly look like.
It's like that old question. If you could take a test to find out if you are going to get Alzheimer's would you take it? Or would you rather not know so you could at least spend your last cognizant years not living in dread?
You know, Gershun, with my latest bout of breast cancer (number two) free genetic testing was offered to me. As in "don't you want to let your family know if they are prone to breast cancer, which mean they are ALSO prone to uterine which would mean ALSO prostate for the boys and etc.
In my first bout age 47 I was already asked this, and at that time I had no grandchildren (have now one grandson 25) and my daughters young, as in VERY. Now my daughters are pushing 60 and 63. ALREADY did their testing (no gene) to which I was told "can skip a generation".
My choice? No. I have a grandson now 25. WHY should I have to go to tell him "You KNOW, I have this gene so you might get prostate cancer. REALLY? ANY man might get prostate cancer, and if he lives LONG enough he's almost certain to. I will not be having other grandchildren. I made the best decision for my own head and with the knowledge of my three concerned people. And on I go.
We do the best with these questions, weighing them as we move forward. On we go.
I am on my own; however, I have an excellent pension (defined benefit plan). I also try to consistently live below my means (with dignity) and save money as I can.. Eventually, I plan to sell my home, and use the proceeds to top up my monthly income, as needed, to enter a retirement home. Hopefully, it will be enough.
If I had children, I would not expect—or even want them—to be caregivers. I have just emerged from a 10-year marathon of caregiving to an aging parent.
I’m thankful that it ended, and never want to do it again.
I plan on not getting old. No joke at all. I'm in my late 50s and have chosen to stop all but critical medical intervention. I no longer have yearly check ups, stopped all mammograms, stopped 90 percent of my maintenance medications and have all my paperwork in order. I believe cancer will take me since several family members have died from it.
We have an only child and I absolutely refuse to put MY child thru the same thing I have watched my husband experience with his mother.
No hyperbole needed -- I live where the winter temps hit 30 degrees below zero and a population of 600+ bears. I have no intention of fighting a bear but have no qualms of driving into the area, getting lost in a blizzard and ending up as bear food if I don't die of a medical problem first.
Well first...I do have S-children but I would NEVER expect them to care for me in the way that I cared for their dad! I think expecting your children to care for you in your "old age" is selfish.
I decided when I was caring for my Husband that I would not want a friend or relative to care for me so I made the decision to purchase Long Term Care Insurance. Yes it is an expense. But I feel good knowing that I will be able to age in place and not have to move. (The house that I purchased when caring for my Husband is a Ranch that was built "handicap accessible")
If you are not in the position to purchase Long Term Care Insurance then do what you can to save what you can and if possible get into a Continuing Care Community. Yes it is expensive but knowing that you will not have to move as you require more help goes a long way to ease that burden.
The other important thing to do now when you can is get all your "legal ducks in a row" make sure that you have someone that you can count on to act on your behalf for Health and Financial matters when you can no longer make those decisions. And you need to have your wishes in writing as to what you want your care to be. A session with an Elder Care Attorney...yes another expense will be well worth your time.
Live not within your means but below it so that you are not getting into debt. Pay off the debt you have. this is not to say you can not enjoy yourself or take that trip you have always wanted to go on but do you NEED a new car, a 85 inch TV, think about other expenses...going out to dinner once in a while is great but not 4 or 5 times a week.
I'm only 63 and even now I couldn't fight a bear as a previous poster said. So that's out.
I've always tried to take care of my health but am already starting to have aches and pains here and there. My hubs is thinking we'll hire 24 hour in-home help when the time comes. I wonder about that though cause they are doing that for my MIL and she is just bleeding money like there's no tomorrow. How much would you need to save to have that work?
I used to always say "I try to not think about that" when this discussion came up but I realize now that's foolhardy. One can never be too prepared.
Hi Gershun! I agree we have to be prepared. I am 60 and hubby is 74 with Parkinson's and some Parkinson related dementia. He is bedbound now for last 2 years. I HAD to plan. We have no kids and I won't stick our niece and nephews with caring for either of us. We have wills. I have LTC insurance for me. Hubby had conditions that disqualified him from purchasing LTC insurance. But his care is provided by the VA. I'm in the Caregiver Support Program, so he has aid hours. I have set up a Trust to pay for his care in case of my demise. A niece will be trustee when I die, if I die before hubby. Told family hubby will have to be placed in facility if I go first. I have medical and financial POAs assigned. I have told family "pull my plug" and it's all in advance directives. No guesswork about me. I have indicated in writing I want anything that could be used in organ & tissue donation to be taken off me. Funeral and burial/cremation plans made and prepaid. We made our home more handicap accessible for hubby and I will benefit from it until I have to move to AL. And I am slowly decluttering the house. After having to deal with cleaning out my Mom's house, and my Aunt's home upon their demise, I have learned that what we think are meaningful possessions will be overwhelming STUFF to others.
Buying long-term care insurance. Staying out of debt. Living on my pensions and Social Security (actually save/invest about $600/month) so that my money market fund, and investments w/two firms could fund my long-term care, along w/long-term care insurance and selling my condo (which has been paid for since 2016) could fund long-term care. Widowed and my late husband and I weren't blessed w/children.
I will probably call APS and report self neglect. Get a social worker and let them handle it. Hopefully, I will age in grace. Most women I knew had family that acted as POAs for their placement.
I am already there age 77, my mother is 100, so I may still have some time left! I continue to watch my budget and save. I am not frugal but I am cautious.
Since I am 87, it's a matter of what have I done, not what will I do.
I worked till I was 73 so earned a good pension from work as well as maximizing my CPP and OAS. (I am Canadian.) My income is comfortable enough for me to live on, have options and also save a bit. I paid off my house mortgage some years ago, so was able to buy a condo outright for easier living in my senior years. I buy cars that are a couple of years old and pay them off from my savings. I don't like paying interest.
My kids are not interested/suitable to be my POA or health care proxy. I am well aware it is an issue I need to deal with and am looking into resources that could help me with this. My partner is younger than me and would do it, but he has health problems so we will see. My granddaughter is only 22, but might be an option. I look after myself as well as I can, am on only two prescription meds, and have longevity genes from both parents so knew years ago I would have to prepare myself financially for a long old age. Mother lived to 106.
Here in Canada, nursing homes are government funded so that is not a concern for me. Assisted living arrangements vary from fairly expensive (up to $7500/month) self-paid, to partially government-sponsored where costs are rated to your income. There are some decent ones of that kind in my area. I saw them when I toured ALs while making decisions for my mother's care. I believe this phas eof care will be manageable for us. Depending on circumstances, we may hire help to keep us in the condo for longer. There are approved services in our area.
We are not like R's uncle who at 88 has diabetes, high blood pressure, 70% blocked carotid arteries. lives alone in his trailer, has just had his driver's license revoke by his doctor, and will NOT be moved to "one of those feedlots". Some of you will understand that analogue. Thankfully he lives in a small town and has good neighbours who look out for him. Eventually he may have no choice.
Since I' m old as dirt I'm going to care for myself as long as possible, then either hire someone, go into a nursing home or go into the woods, fight a bear, etc till it kills me then let the vultures eat me.
The problem is that as our faculties decline, we are unable to go through the processes you describe. We're either not strong enough or cognitive enough to follow through on the plan. Hire someone? I've been doing that for my husband. It required forms upon forms, vetting of the agency, or vetting of the private caregivers, so I needed a computer and subscription to a background check company, then the paying, then more forms. Same with all your other suggested plans. Most people in decline can't do any of those things for themselves.
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APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
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III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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A.
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You need all your resources for you.
Unless folks have at least $3 million to $5 million, or a combination of assets and livable income for home care/facility, you life goes down the tubes to obtain the exorbitant costs of care will that wipe you out. Sure, there’s Medicaid, but don’t be so sure anymore with federal government problems today.
Unfortunately, CCRC is not an option for me due to high costs in CA, in fact, everywhere. I have only a fixed income on SSA, making moving or relocation impossible unless an emergency. My remote siblings do not encourage me to sell all of my assets until further notice.
Being I have no local family in CA, I will live independently where I am, stay in touch remotely and hope for the best as long as possible. When assisted living is necessary, I may count on stepfamily who lives in OR. The alternative is with my area county on aging care. So unfortunately, foster care split us siblings apart permanently.
I was never able to look into long term care coverage due to costs and my late mother's situation of caring for her, plus past unemployment.
My health is not so good at 69 anymore, so health care and safety for myself is vital to stay in my condo. Hope no emergency or evacuation becomes necessary. With prayers and luck, I am enjoying life with fun, volunteering and some friends.
I do not want to end up in any LTC facility. I can't be sure that won't happen, but I am doing what I can to avoid it.
I have not only the routine paperwork completed, but I created a binder with all kinds of information such as contacts, care providers, useful instructions, and personal preferences (e.g music, toiletries, food).
I would like to create a formal "care circle" (neighbors who serve as advocates for each other), but to date I have only a very informal network.
See --> https://www.ic.org/directory/delray-caring-community/
Finally, I am prepared to "exit" should I be diagnosed with a significantly debilitating or painful incurable illness.
I have partial LTC.
My plan is to hopefully return to work “after” am considering a room mate but that is the way to lose a friend. But I want to be busy and save up money to buy a car.
Married for 30+ years and good relationship with stepkids and their kids but once husband dies I think those ties will fade so making plans that don’t include them.
Wishing all of us that are aging health, sanity and a safe place.
Took care of my mom who had dementia & Type 2 diabetes and ended up placing her in residential care home. So don’t want to be that burden to anyone.
After caring for my mil in my home, my mother long distance (while dealing with my own disabled husband), and then trying to make sure dad was okay after mom passed, I decided I did not want my children having to worry about me or feel responsible for me. I wanted them to have their own lives, especially when they reach retirement years themselves.
My son, who moved in here in 2018 and was a great help with his dad, says he doesn't understand why I would want to go live with old people. (Nice to know I'm not an old person to him, lol.) And my response is that he had to help his father on and off the toilet, I really don't want him having to do that for me.
So far, the communities I've looked at are very nice -- but almost too nice for me. It is not a lifestyle I am accustomed to. So I will continue to look and hopefully find something a little more middle class.
I would never, ever put my sons in a position where they feel they must take me in! I’d rather die! Think of their spouses, too. I think their wives would be livid since their moms are widowed and taking care of themselves. It’s terrible for people to demand it and even worse to have planned for a family so they are “taken care of” in old age and put a guilt trip on their adult children to step up to the plate! I was a caregiver to my ailing spouse due to early onset dementia and it was breaking me physically & mentally. No way could I take a parent in on top of this unexpected turn in our lives!
The pluses: An accessible one-level home with no mortgage. Old but good vehicle. Adequate retirement income and good health insurance. Some savings in case the myeloma comes roaring back requiring hellishly pricy drugs.
The minuses: Deferred maintenance needed for 50-yr-old home, which must be sold to qualify for the continuing-care community. Lack of energy to "Take Care of Business." (I used to be so good at this stuff!)
We have given ourselves 10 more years in our current house, then off we go to senior living. We have no kids. I've also told nieces and nephews that if they're ever in a position to make decisions for us, whatever they decide is right -- regardless of what cranky old me may say later on!
We also are having to look at a much more bleak scenario, if our elders have their LTC Medicaid and/or Social Security taken away. If that happens, the financial impact on us will devastate our own retirement plans. Then I guess it's back to work for as long as we can manage. This is not a political statement, just the type of contingency planning we now need to do.
Good luck contingency planning. I read an AARP article about annuities but not sure if they wrote that before our economy, stock market and tariff unknowns hit the fan.
We also donate stuff from our house at least once a week to a charity.
I had a client who was totally inconsolable while doing her taxes because we needed to download her tax information from her bank and she couldn't remember her logon and password. I thought we were going to need to call 911 she had worked herself up into such anxiety state with shortness of breath. She did go home and got her password book but there was a glitch regarding 2 step authentication.
Please know we are living in a world where we have digital footprints to just about everything we do from phone calling to banking, shopping and more.
Just take a deep breath and plan your digital footprint's accessibility for your POA and executors.
our kids are currently 21 and 24 years old. Our son, the oldest, also happens to have autism spectrum disorder that is very mild, but I think will inhibit his ability to do much hands-on care. He is brilliantly, smart, responsible with money, etc. He has a keen understanding of policies and rules and finances, even at his current age. So we will probably leave him as our DPOA. Our daughter seems more willing to do hands-on, but she has a lot of career aspirations that could take her far from home. I don’t count on her to be hands-on.
I am determined that we will set aside some sort of funding for our care. I’ve been reading a lot about long-term care, annuities. I don’t have much faith in long-term care insurance, both in our ability to qualify and in the ease of using them. The kids have been around their great grandparents quite a lot at the local assisted living facilities. I keep telling them that we will just be willing to go to one of those when it is time. And even at that, there is still so much that still needs to be done for the elder. Taking to appointments, managing their bills, buying their clothing, etc. I already feel badly for our kids who will eventually be in this position with us. I’m just going to try and make it as easy as possible. After my husband retires and has some time, we also plan to really do a clean out of our house.
Until that is a necessity, we are focused on living well AND having things set up to make life easier. Most bills are autopay. We plan on adding a ramp to the side of the house and double doors to help with mobility issues (my knees have arthritis). We already have wills in place that divvy up our belongings. Not quite ready to make out POAs yet since our girls need to grow-up a little more. Definitely not candidates for DNRs - which can be decided on when needed at hospitals should the need arise.
Swap out my two 35 year old toilets with the ADA toilets (taller) in my house.
Install a grab bar in walk in shower. (I have wood framing in the wall beneath the tile to mount it to.) When I re-tiled I wasn't ready to install the grab bar but the contractor put in extra wood beneath the tile for future grab bar install.
I just hired a personal trainer to work on building muscle 3x per week, 30 minutes.
Buy a lazyboy chair.
Install a railing along the wall of my garage to help with the two steps into the house.
Consolidated finances, saving, updated legal doc, ensuring everything is clear and accessible, all bills on autopay — yes to all that. Regular discussions with husband around what each of us would want if we become incapacitated in various ways.
Two things I hope I can do:
“Swedish death cleaning” or letting go of possessions at the right time in phases as I age. I will have a massive amount of my mom’s possessions to deal with when she dies.
Moving to continuum of care BEFORE any crisis occurs. I pray I don’t lose the ability to perceive that I am no longer living in a healthy or sane way. Or at least that I realize the risk is upon me and that I act before it comes to pass.
I guess the trick is to determine when that time has come.
I have a dear friend who has tattooed across her chest DNR. I wonder if it will help.
I also bought "What to do now that I'm dead" books from Amazon. I need to fill in all the information. And we still need to do wills and power of attorney documents. It's never too soon, but it's definitely too late if you are cognitively impaired. I want to put it in writing that if my husband is dead, my sister will be my POA, then my nephews. I don't want them to have any trouble writing checks from my accounts if I am impaired and my husband is gone. We still need to do these things. Maybe I should go ahead and put a date on our calendar. "See attorney." I shouldn't put it off.
For me personally. My dad died of prostate cancer when I was only four.
My mom was a breast cancer survivor. But I've chosen to not let that
put fear in my heart that I will now get cancer. So far I've been good and none
of my 6 siblings have had it.
I'm trying to practice mindfulness. All I have is now. What happens tomorrow happens tomorrow. Live each day and all that jazz.
It's like that old question. If you could take a test to find out if you are going to get Alzheimer's would you take it? Or would you rather not know so you could at least spend your last cognizant years not living in dread?
Just wondering.
In my first bout age 47 I was already asked this, and at that time I had no grandchildren (have now one grandson 25) and my daughters young, as in VERY. Now my daughters are pushing 60 and 63. ALREADY did their testing (no gene) to which I was told "can skip a generation".
My choice? No. I have a grandson now 25. WHY should I have to go to tell him "You KNOW, I have this gene so you might get prostate cancer. REALLY? ANY man might get prostate cancer, and if he lives LONG enough he's almost certain to. I will not be having other grandchildren. I made the best decision for my own head and with the knowledge of my three concerned people. And on I go.
We do the best with these questions, weighing them as we move forward. On we go.
If I had children, I would not expect—or even want them—to be caregivers. I have just emerged from a 10-year marathon of caregiving to an aging parent.
I’m thankful that it ended, and never want to do it again.
We have an only child and I absolutely refuse to put MY child thru the same thing I have watched my husband experience with his mother.
No hyperbole needed -- I live where the winter temps hit 30 degrees below zero and a population of 600+ bears. I have no intention of fighting a bear but have no qualms of driving into the area, getting lost in a blizzard and ending up as bear food if I don't die of a medical problem first.
That's my old age plan.
I have already told my wife to just put a pillow over my face when the time comes, but I don't think she is going to do it.
I decided when I was caring for my Husband that I would not want a friend or relative to care for me so I made the decision to purchase Long Term Care Insurance. Yes it is an expense. But I feel good knowing that I will be able to age in place and not have to move. (The house that I purchased when caring for my Husband is a Ranch that was built "handicap accessible")
If you are not in the position to purchase Long Term Care Insurance then do what you can to save what you can and if possible get into a Continuing Care Community. Yes it is expensive but knowing that you will not have to move as you require more help goes a long way to ease that burden.
The other important thing to do now when you can is get all your "legal ducks in a row" make sure that you have someone that you can count on to act on your behalf for Health and Financial matters when you can no longer make those decisions. And you need to have your wishes in writing as to what you want your care to be. A session with an Elder Care Attorney...yes another expense will be well worth your time.
Live not within your means but below it so that you are not getting into debt.
Pay off the debt you have.
this is not to say you can not enjoy yourself or take that trip you have always wanted to go on but do you NEED a new car, a 85 inch TV, think about other expenses...going out to dinner once in a while is great but not 4 or 5 times a week.
I've always tried to take care of my health but am already starting to have aches and pains here and there. My hubs is thinking we'll hire 24 hour in-home help when the time comes. I wonder about that though cause they are doing that for my MIL and she is just bleeding money like there's no tomorrow. How much would you need to save to have that work?
I used to always say "I try to not think about that" when this discussion came up but I realize now that's foolhardy. One can never be too prepared.
I agree we have to be prepared. I am 60 and hubby is 74 with Parkinson's and some Parkinson related dementia. He is bedbound now for last 2 years. I HAD to plan. We have no kids and I won't stick our niece and nephews with caring for either of us.
We have wills. I have LTC insurance for me. Hubby had conditions that disqualified him from purchasing LTC insurance. But his care is provided by the VA. I'm in the Caregiver Support Program, so he has aid hours. I have set up a Trust to pay for his care in case of my demise. A niece will be trustee when I die, if I die before hubby. Told family hubby will have to be placed in facility if I go first. I have medical and financial POAs assigned. I have told family "pull my plug" and it's all in advance directives. No guesswork about me. I have indicated in writing I want anything that could be used in organ & tissue donation to be taken off me.
Funeral and burial/cremation plans made and prepaid.
We made our home more handicap accessible for hubby and I will benefit from it until I have to move to AL.
And I am slowly decluttering the house. After having to deal with cleaning out my Mom's house, and my Aunt's home upon their demise, I have learned that what we think are meaningful possessions will be overwhelming STUFF to others.
I'm prepared to handle the worst.
I worked till I was 73 so earned a good pension from work as well as maximizing my CPP and OAS. (I am Canadian.) My income is comfortable enough for me to live on, have options and also save a bit. I paid off my house mortgage some years ago, so was able to buy a condo outright for easier living in my senior years. I buy cars that are a couple of years old and pay them off from my savings. I don't like paying interest.
My kids are not interested/suitable to be my POA or health care proxy. I am well aware it is an issue I need to deal with and am looking into resources that could help me with this. My partner is younger than me and would do it, but he has health problems so we will see. My granddaughter is only 22, but might be an option. I look after myself as well as I can, am on only two prescription meds, and have longevity genes from both parents so knew years ago I would have to prepare myself financially for a long old age. Mother lived to 106.
Here in Canada, nursing homes are government funded so that is not a concern for me. Assisted living arrangements vary from fairly expensive (up to $7500/month) self-paid, to partially government-sponsored where costs are rated to your income. There are some decent ones of that kind in my area. I saw them when I toured ALs while making decisions for my mother's care. I believe this phas eof care will be manageable for us. Depending on circumstances, we may hire help to keep us in the condo for longer. There are approved services in our area.
We are not like R's uncle who at 88 has diabetes, high blood pressure, 70% blocked carotid arteries. lives alone in his trailer, has just had his driver's license revoke by his doctor, and will NOT be moved to "one of those feedlots". Some of you will understand that analogue. Thankfully he lives in a small town and has good neighbours who look out for him. Eventually he may have no choice.