My father has some form of dementia; he has aways had attitude and refuses to listen to suggestions. He has kicked EMS, aging, and social workers out of his home when they have been called to help. He argued with his doctor at last in person visit before covid and during two virtual visits since. He has been consistent with his mantra that he isn't leaving his home and his next move will be the cemetery. This has been going on for at least five years. Through any questions and interviews by professionals, he has not been ruled incompetent. I am POA but don't have the right to make him do anything against his will. I decided to respect his wishes about staying alone but his place is putrid. I take him groceries and clean the trash up but he questions every move I make so that is about it. I don't want anyone else going in there. Today he told me to get out and stay out.
Now, my unfortunate situation with my late feisty, mentally ill mother also refused care in our place despite her age 92 and 93 of several falls. One day a fall caused a fractured pelvis, placement until rehab and assisted living, could not return back home she hated and blamed me for throwing her out! Not True! My professional family got her an ombudsman to talk with her to get sense into her to accept care. I then could return back to work, Thank God!
if you tackle it yourself id let the conversation change - dont mention it - and when dust settles a little then maybe say ive left a bowl of water and flannel and soap in the bathroom for you to freshen up after going to the toilet. Then drop the conversation. I;d say a health person needs to come inand explain to him the importance of keeping clean and the risks of germs spreading requiring hospital treatment. hes in perverse fight you mode so maybe get someone else to speak to him or leave it for a bit. Maybe he needs help and cant manage cleaning himself. My dad went through a stage of not wanting to wash. It wasnt over night but we got a routine where we get a bowl of water with a little disinfectant and soap and flannel and help him to wipe down. turning when hes doing private bits. then we help him dry and reward him saying lets have a cup of tea and a biscuit after - divert the conversation. Maybe when he sees an easier option to keep clean he may change. If hes questioning everything maybe firmly point out we had that conversation already - are you worried about something? and get on with something else/make a cup of tea. There might be reasons why he doesnt clean - it may be old age immobility/pain as the basis.
This is where rubber meets the road. There are no material/physical solutions for your dad. Now it's all God's grace and God's mercy for him and you! Start pouring out your heart to Jesus the Christ, He is FAITHFUL we are not.
Pray, ask, beg for the True God to help and guide. Open and read and understand The Sacred Scriptures, The Holy Bible, the peace found there will surpass all man's understanding. You need the remedy that only The Christ can provide.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Stay strong!
As heartless as it feels, he has made his choices. It is very common for the generation before the boomers to be determined to stay in their homes. My parents and my in-laws were the same way.
Yes, do make a report to APS.
My one thought is that you don't want your father to not have food, so perhaps you could take a bag of nonperishables to him once a week, just leave it on the porch.
I wish you the best.
I appreciate everyone's kindness,
For me as a lonely only it felt great to have the support of someone whose sole purpose was to listen to me with the intent to help me work my way through finding solutions and to offer concrete suggestions to help me navigate all the issues. I think you might find the support of a good CBT invaluable to help get you through this season of your Father's life. Make sure whoever you find feels supportive and keep looking if you don't "connect". I wish you all the best for your life.
I was an in-home caregiver for a very long time to every kind of senior ranging from stubborn to psychotic. I never tolerated abusive behavior from any client. I find even the ones with moderate dementia could curb the verbal abuse and stubbornness with me. You can't show any weakness with these seniors that have IARS (I Am Always Right Syndrome) you coined that perfectly by the way. You have to be the alpha dog in the situation and maintain total control. Sometimes there has to be a bit of intimidation as well. I've been saying this for a long time. A person recovers a lot easier from a bit of intimidation that forced them to have their soiled diaper changed or to be washed up, or have a dangerous hoard cleared away than they will from the health issues caused by staying in filth.
If he told you to get out and stay out, then you may have to do exactly that to force him to accept the help he needs. Get yourself removed as his POA as well if you need to. This isn't hard to do. You go down to the probate court and do the paperwork and remove yourself. Your father can ask someone else, or he will become a Ward of the State.
You're wrong about one thing though. You not wanting anyone else going into the house is wrong. There needs to be other people going in there, more specifically people from Adult Protective Services (APS). Your father needs to be living in managed care now. The asinine stubbornness is not going to improve or lessen. Dementia guarantees this. He isn't living safely. You may have to let a crisis happen like a fall to get him Baker Acted and put into LTC.
You're in a very sticky situation, but you're not alone. You cannot give your father the care he needs. So others will have to.
I hope you know none of this is your fault. Your father will very likely have to be forced into care against his wishes. He's mentally incompetent and living unsafely.
I think your Father is going to exhaust you in ways you cannot even imagine.
The OP can force the father into LTC as POA if his doctor backs her up because he's a mentally impaired adult living unsafely. He poses a risk to himself and others. Seniors get placed for a lot less.
I feel sorry for you, considering what he's put you through. But I can't feel too sorry for him because though he may be sick, he's a mean old man who doesn't seem to like you very much. That's too bad because you seem like a kind, caring daughter.
If they say he is competent and it is his choice, then resign while he is competent, and never agree to be POA again. Let him know the emergency numbers. Let him know if this is how he choose to pass away, he will do it alone.
Eventually you are going to get "the call". It will be from EMS, Hospital, or coroner.
The sad truth is that at some point is it better to have him miserable in care another year, or let him pass in his own home? Do you really WANT now to handle this home, its sale, his placement against his will?
I would never be POA for an uncooperative family member. You will have to make your own choices in that regard for yourself.
I am so sorry.