My dad is caring for my mom and is burnt out. He is negative and complains constantly. I already help a lot, several days in a row I care for mom so he can have breaks but he still complains. He says hiring someone 6 hours per day wouldn't be enough. To be frank he is stressing me more than my mom who has Alzheimers and it isn't fair to me. His negative attitude and inability to care for mom is infringing on my time and health. I actually know how to manage her very well but he refuses to listen to my suggestions. It's not fair to mom either. What on earth can I do? I'm losing all respect for him.
Living in the situation is much, much different than coming and going. Ask him if he is ready for her to go to facility. Or you can offer to take her to your house. You do have a choice to give him relief.
I too want more relief for my Father. But I choose not to sacrifice my health to be his substitute. I encorage other supports.
If Moms split is enough, she maybe able to private pay for an AL or MC. In my state, if you private pay for an AL for at least two years, u can apply for Medicaid to keep her there.
Dad should talk to a lawyer well versed in Medicaid..
there are lots of reasons that someone resists help. One of the biggies is "No one can do for XXX the way I do", "they don't love them as much as I do so they won't do a good job."
There are frightening statistics that 1) Many caregivers die before the person they are caring for due to failure to do "self care". ALSO..2) A good many people that have been caring for someone with dementia also develops dementia. (not sure if that is just due to age and they would have been diagnosed anyway or if it is due to isolation since they begin to shut out others and the only constant contact they have is with the person with dementia)
Tell him to try out the 6 hours a day. Let him choose the 6 hours that would be best for him. Is mom better in the morning? If so let him take a morning with her and have someone come in at noon.
Make some plans to do something with him, just the 2 of you while the caregiver is there.
The first few times he can stay and observe then go out for an hour or two then return. Again so he can make sure for himself that all is well.
If he still resists you could take the hard line and tell him you are concerned about his health and if he does not do this you might be forced to obtain Guardianship and place mom in a Memory Care Facility.
Another few thoughts......is it possible that your dad also has some memory issues and caring for her is part of his routine and he would not know what to do if he was not doing his daily routine? Does he have friends that he can do something with? Is there an Adult Day Care that mom could go to if he really does not want help in? Is she a candidate for Day Care?
Is there a Senior Center open he could go to for socialization if there is a caregiver or if mom is at Day Care?
Sometimes a parent has accepted the idea but is waiting for approval from the adult children... but the adult children are against the idea.
Sometimes the parent feels they are too old, the kids should take this on instead. (Or a daughter should).
No judgement - families differ in structure, support & values.
Can you have an honest chat with Dad? Find out his thoughts. If Dad clearly says, "no more" (as he has the right to do) can you work together to get a new care plan that works for BOTH of your parents?
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