Before Mom was moved to a small group home, for her stage 6 dementia, Dad wanted us (my husband and I) to bring both of them into our home, and hire extra help for Mom, knowing I couldn’t do it. They were living in AL and Dad hated it. He lived there to be with Mom. At that time, he said he’d pay us 1/2 of what they were paying at AL, which was around $7k, and I said no, and it was hard, but we simply cannot, mentally or physically take both of them in. A year later, Mom was moved to a group hospice home and Dad refuses to stay in AL where they were living together.He is 92, but very independent and still drives. I then told him he could stay with us “until” the dust settles and we see how things work. It’s been 6 months and my husband is not liking it. I approached the money subject with Dad, and he made me feel like we owe him and he won’t pitch in monthly. Now things feel strained with him AND hubby. Feel free to tell me I’m foolish for allowing it to happen! I know it. But now what?…..
And you may have great regret if you were to make him leave. If he’s refusing to pay, I don’t know that there’s much you can do about that at his age without causing a terrible rift.
You may want to speak to a therapist about this that is proficient in family dynamics and assisting families in remaining together emotionally
he obviously doesn’t want to be alone.
My mom moved in with me when I bought a house four years ago. The house never felt like it was mine even though I pay the mortgage alone. She pays for gas and complains about that and calls me a bad daughter because she expected to live in my house completely free. From the start she determined what the landscaping would be, has major say in who I can hire to maintain my home, and has been a menace to everyone around her causing conflict with neighbors.
I always suspected she had dementia but in the last month it has gotten much worse with her having daily auditory hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia targeted at our next door neighbors. I'm desperately waiting for her neurology appointment next month and a geriatrician appointment in May to finally get her diagnosed. I believe she is far enough along now that there will be a diagnosis of some form of dementia. Using that information I plan to decide where to put her.
I already told her I’ll be selling the house and won’t be living with her anymore. She's had meltdowns and tantrums as so many here will attest their parents do when you tell them they can't use and abuse you in a house they live in for free or low cost anymore. They also hate giving up their freedom (ex. driving, having a house and backyard, family to keep them company, and coming and going as they please) when they enter a facility.
Putting up with an elderly parents’ antics alone deserves payment. If your dad can afford $7k/month in AL he should absolutely help your household financially, even if it’s only a few thousand a month to cover utilities and household expenses. He'd be paying a lot more living anywhere else these days.
You need to decide what you can 'live with' after the 'dust settles' as you said.
It settled.
[With all my comments below, see if there is room for a financial compromise that may be [more] agreeable to all - you - your husband - and your dad.]
* You have two relationships to consider:
- one with your dad
- one with your husband
Questions I would ask myself:
* what is reasonable, financially?
* what do you need ? want ? financially.
* are you going to (ALLOW TO) be pressured by your dad? He seems to discount what you said about the dust settling, ignoring you.
* do you have your own money to pay for household expenditures that are created due to a third person in the house (your dad) - since you do not want to ask / require your dad to contribute. In other words, do you feel your husband 'should' / 'needs to' absorb financially what your dad isn't - or won't - contribute?
It would be a red flag to me if my parent pressured me / tried to guilt me into doing that THEY feel you OWE them.
- much or some may depend on the financial capability of your dad. Can he contribute vs he just doesn't want to - believing / feeling that it is YOUR DUTY as his daughter to take care of him?
If I were you, I would strongly consider that this is YOUR home (and your husband's home) and you can make whatever financial arrangements / decisions you want - with your dad. Dad doesn't dictate to you or your husband.
You have to listen to your gut.
Yes, I can imagine that this has caused discord with your husband. How important is this to you and how is it affecting your relationship?
It seems like your dad doesn't have an alternative.
- Discuss what housing arrangements are available for your dad 'if' he doesn't want to contribute. He won't expect this question ... it will give him something to think about - and he needs to think about it.
IMPORTANT TO CONSIDER: There will come a time when you cannot manage the care he needs in your home. The question may be - do you want to wait until that happens, whether a fall/broken bones/unable to walk, needing 24/7 care - or dementia / brain changes ... or get him settled in now with a new life - style, where there is 'more of' a smoother transition as his care needs change / increase?
See what he says. He may have a change of heart.
I take issue / do not feel good about your dad's position - that he feels you OWE him.
Does he consider all you've been doing over the last year or more years? Perhaps he needs a reality check.
Gena / Touch Matters
Second, we could all be in total agreement in this discussion that yes your dad needs to pay, and we could calculate in unison how much that would be, but it would not matter whatsoever if your dad refuses to pay it. Even if he does reluctantly pay one month, you have no enforcement mechanism to ensure that he will every month, and then you'll end up with so much recurring tension: will he pay this month, okay he paid this month but was so rude and unpleasant about it, is he going to pay it next month and when should I start asking/reminding him, on and on in a perpetual cycle.
He is able-bodied and able to live on his own, plus you have your own health issues. He needs to go.
I'm sorry about your mother. I hope she can be made comfortable and peaceful in whatever time she has left, and that you will be able to find comfort and peace about her as well.
I think if your Dad can provide any financial assistance because he has enough to do that, then he should and maybe that would help your situation. Sometimes parents are not able to do that because of the small to little income they may receive. It would be advisable to talk with a good counselor, a geriatric manager, and/or a financial planner to assist with those future situations you will encounter as your Dad continues to age.
Maybe he will change his tune and start paying you something.