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Have Dad move out now , otherwise you’ll never get him to leave when he has ( more ) cognitive decline .

It’s more difficult getting them placed in assisted living if they live with you , rather than ( eventually ) living alone unsafe . I did a lot for my parents , but drew the line at living together .

For the record your husband is right . Why should Dad get a free ride ?
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Reply to waytomisery
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So your Dad is being selfish, irrational and forgetful. He didn't used to be this way in the past then hmmm... sounds like cognitive decline.

There should be 2 conditions for him living in your home:
1) he financially contributes (doesn't matter if he's forgotten he offered this)
2) he makes you his PoA and then agrees to a cognitive exam by his primary doctor while in your presence

Doesn't like this? Fine, he can move out.

But fast forward into the not-too-distant future: he's living "independently" but is not paying his bills, not showering often enough, is having fender benders and getting tickets, and is sure you (or someone) is "out to rob him".

Welcome to dementia. Now what?

If you're not his PoA, and he refuses to cough up the money to pay for aids, and even if YOU pay for aids (please don't) he shoos them away then you will have no choice but report him to APS and he will be on track for a court-assigned 3rd party legal guardian who will transition him to a facility.

If you ARE his PoA then you may still have a heckofa time getting him to accept help. This is very common scenario. Has nothing to do with reason or logic because dementia will rob him of it.

Neither of those scenarios seem fun. Unless he has a profound medical event that moves up the timeline (like a fall or a stroke, etc), he could be in your home declining and burning you both out -- regardless whether he's paying you or not.

Your marriage is your #1 priority. It doesn't seem like he will be happy with either option 1 or 2 so just move him out now so that YOU and your hubs can be happy. Maybe into IL in a continuum of care community so that as his care needs increase, you don't have to fight him to accept help. The help will already be there. You need to stockpile happiness and peace because once he declines in earnest you will need extra reserves to help him.
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Reply to Geaton777
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He made it seem like YOU owe HIM? That's rich. Nope. Get him out post-haste. He *may* come to his senses when facing eviction but it sounds like it is not good for your marriage and that's non-negotiable. Use those words if you need to: "Dad, my marriage is my first priority, and that's non-negotiable. God-willing, my marriage will outlive you. I'm sure you can understand that."
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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Yes, he should pay. He’s old enough to know there’s no free lunch! Why should dad mooch off of you? Plus it wedges open the door to expecting more and more. Not good.
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Reply to Fawnby
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If dad is independent why can’t he move to an apartment on his own? At his age it’s unlikely to last long term but he’d preserve his independence and you’d preserve your marriage.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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blisss2022 Mar 18, 2025
Yes, I agree. If he doesn’t want to help with monetary contributions , then he will be moving . But…he has made it perfectly clear he will refuse an institution when the time comes for help. So, I guess he pays for in home help at his new place and that’s that. Of course, I will help with whatever I can, but not in our home. It’s hard. I love my parents dearly, but my own life has been put in the back burner.
The emotions sure spin a web, don’t they?!
Hubby comes first ❤️ thank you
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I;d remind Dad he offered to pay 1/2 the AL costs before, and that you really could use the help now that he has indeed moved in. Or has he conveniently forgotten about that?
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Reply to pamzimmrrt
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blisss2022 Mar 18, 2025
Yep. Conveniently forgotten, it seems.
When I reminded him, he said “when did I say that?!”
Tome for a family meeting.
Thank you ❤️
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When a parent moves in this is how it SHOULD go:
BEFORE THE MOVE IN
1. You sit together with everyone in the household and agree to GIVE THIS A TRY only; to reassess it together every 6 months. When it isn't working for ONE PERSON then it isn't working.
2. You agree that as elders get more ill they will require several shifts of several workers on each to care for them. That isn't sustainable in your home. When the time comes the change will be made and when ONE person believes it is time, then it is time.
3. You agree next as to what changes (grab bars, w/c ramps, et al) need to be done and who will pay for them.
4. You attend an attorney and complete POA and all needed paperwork including wills, advance directives and you assign whomever and discuss wishes.
5. At the same attorney meeting you discuss SHARED LIVING EXPENSES for mortgage, cleaning and help with elder care, costs of food and who will cook, and cost of ingredients, cost of transportation and who will drive, and SO ON. Shared living expenses aren't tax. RENTAL is! Important to know and the attorney will hep you to know a whole lot of other things.
6. Privacy concerns. What are the rules for when you are together and when you have privacy.
7. You must learn how to keep meticulous records. Giving money for shared expenses cannot look like gifting or it could preclude your elder getting assistance when needed for future care in coming years. You will keep records if you must take on the payment of bills and etc as the POA. Whether father can do this now or not is irrelevant as the time is coming soon when he cannot.
8. Do not attempt to set your husband straight. An attorney will do this for you. If he insists on doing it the wrong way I would move out and let him.


That is how this is done.
If these measures are not taken then all concerned will be very, very sorry and very, very angry.
Good luck.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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blisss2022 Mar 18, 2025
Wow. What an eye opener! You sure know the steps, and it seems I’m a few behind 🤦🏻‍♀️ BUT, it’s not too late, as Dad is very clear minded and very able bodied at this time. You are absolutely right that we need a family meeting to discuss the decline that is inevitable, and my role. I appreciate your answer so very much. Thank you!!!!!!
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Thank you for being so honest 💗
when he moved in it was so quick, and the emotions of Mom’s state was obviously clouding my logical brain.
you are spot on. Thank you
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Reply to blisss2022
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Ok...yes you were "foolish" to allow your dad to move in with you. And even more foolish for not setting up financial boundaries on who would pay what and how much.
And now it's affecting your marriage which of course should come WAY before your dad.
So time to tell your dad that his trial period is over as it's just not working for you, and that you'll be more than happy to help him find a new assisted living facility for him to move into.
Give him a time frame, like a month, and then make sure you stick to your guns, and make sure he is out in a month.
Your dad doesn't get to rule your household, you and your husband do, just in case you forgot that.
I wish you well in finding a new place for your dad to move to.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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