Before Mom was moved to a small group home, for her stage 6 dementia, Dad wanted us (my husband and I) to bring both of them into our home, and hire extra help for Mom, knowing I couldn’t do it. They were living in AL and Dad hated it. He lived there to be with Mom. At that time, he said he’d pay us 1/2 of what they were paying at AL, which was around $7k, and I said no, and it was hard, but we simply cannot, mentally or physically take both of them in. A year later, Mom was moved to a group hospice home and Dad refuses to stay in AL where they were living together.He is 92, but very independent and still drives. I then told him he could stay with us “until” the dust settles and we see how things work. It’s been 6 months and my husband is not liking it. I approached the money subject with Dad, and he made me feel like we owe him and he won’t pitch in monthly. Now things feel strained with him AND hubby. Feel free to tell me I’m foolish for allowing it to happen! I know it. But now what?…..
It’s more difficult getting them placed in assisted living if they live with you , rather than ( eventually ) living alone unsafe . I did a lot for my parents , but drew the line at living together .
For the record your husband is right . Why should Dad get a free ride ?
There should be 2 conditions for him living in your home:
1) he financially contributes (doesn't matter if he's forgotten he offered this)
2) he makes you his PoA and then agrees to a cognitive exam by his primary doctor while in your presence
Doesn't like this? Fine, he can move out.
But fast forward into the not-too-distant future: he's living "independently" but is not paying his bills, not showering often enough, is having fender benders and getting tickets, and is sure you (or someone) is "out to rob him".
Welcome to dementia. Now what?
If you're not his PoA, and he refuses to cough up the money to pay for aids, and even if YOU pay for aids (please don't) he shoos them away then you will have no choice but report him to APS and he will be on track for a court-assigned 3rd party legal guardian who will transition him to a facility.
If you ARE his PoA then you may still have a heckofa time getting him to accept help. This is very common scenario. Has nothing to do with reason or logic because dementia will rob him of it.
Neither of those scenarios seem fun. Unless he has a profound medical event that moves up the timeline (like a fall or a stroke, etc), he could be in your home declining and burning you both out -- regardless whether he's paying you or not.
Your marriage is your #1 priority. It doesn't seem like he will be happy with either option 1 or 2 so just move him out now so that YOU and your hubs can be happy. Maybe into IL in a continuum of care community so that as his care needs increase, you don't have to fight him to accept help. The help will already be there. You need to stockpile happiness and peace because once he declines in earnest you will need extra reserves to help him.
The emotions sure spin a web, don’t they?!
Hubby comes first ❤️ thank you
When I reminded him, he said “when did I say that?!”
Tome for a family meeting.
Thank you ❤️
BEFORE THE MOVE IN
1. You sit together with everyone in the household and agree to GIVE THIS A TRY only; to reassess it together every 6 months. When it isn't working for ONE PERSON then it isn't working.
2. You agree that as elders get more ill they will require several shifts of several workers on each to care for them. That isn't sustainable in your home. When the time comes the change will be made and when ONE person believes it is time, then it is time.
3. You agree next as to what changes (grab bars, w/c ramps, et al) need to be done and who will pay for them.
4. You attend an attorney and complete POA and all needed paperwork including wills, advance directives and you assign whomever and discuss wishes.
5. At the same attorney meeting you discuss SHARED LIVING EXPENSES for mortgage, cleaning and help with elder care, costs of food and who will cook, and cost of ingredients, cost of transportation and who will drive, and SO ON. Shared living expenses aren't tax. RENTAL is! Important to know and the attorney will hep you to know a whole lot of other things.
6. Privacy concerns. What are the rules for when you are together and when you have privacy.
7. You must learn how to keep meticulous records. Giving money for shared expenses cannot look like gifting or it could preclude your elder getting assistance when needed for future care in coming years. You will keep records if you must take on the payment of bills and etc as the POA. Whether father can do this now or not is irrelevant as the time is coming soon when he cannot.
8. Do not attempt to set your husband straight. An attorney will do this for you. If he insists on doing it the wrong way I would move out and let him.
That is how this is done.
If these measures are not taken then all concerned will be very, very sorry and very, very angry.
Good luck.
when he moved in it was so quick, and the emotions of Mom’s state was obviously clouding my logical brain.
you are spot on. Thank you
And now it's affecting your marriage which of course should come WAY before your dad.
So time to tell your dad that his trial period is over as it's just not working for you, and that you'll be more than happy to help him find a new assisted living facility for him to move into.
Give him a time frame, like a month, and then make sure you stick to your guns, and make sure he is out in a month.
Your dad doesn't get to rule your household, you and your husband do, just in case you forgot that.
I wish you well in finding a new place for your dad to move to.