My 88 year-old mother has Alzheimer's and used to love to socialize. She still loves talking with people, can carry on decent conversations, and can get around pretty well physically. Short-term memory is extremely limited. She needs some prompting with toileting and occasional incontinence, but - dang - she is strong and stubborn when it comes to help. She doesn't need any, in her mind. But doesn't want to be alone, either.
She has no interest in leaving the house, ever, and engaging her in activities is hard. We have word puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, sorting coins, simple card games, folding laundry - but she only has so much interest or stamina. Yet, all day long, she says she is bored and constantly asks what should she be doing. So - going on outings isn't a regular thing that we can just say "Hey - the senior center needs volunteers..." She won't be interested. But I believe she might enjoy it if she gave it a chance.
Alternatively, Memory Care is attractive for the support and community it offers. My siblings and I believe she would thrive in a more social setting. I struggle, though, because of comments I've read on this forum from others - and maybe she really doesn't want it. How do we balance her being bored, with the hope that she'd actually make connections with people and activities in a new place? (She does enjoy doing jigsaw puzzles, even though EVERY TIME we start one, she complains she doesn't do them, that she's no good at puzzles. Once complete, though, we clap and give high fives and she's proud to show it off - and this happens a few times a day. It always makes me smile.)
Is Adult Day Care better than Memory Care, or vice-versa? I know either of these scenarios will take time to adjust. One visit to the Day Care won't tell us if she likes it. If we ask her about doing any kind of actiivity, the answer is usually "no". The expense of Memory Care is a concern - mom's funds are limited; we will have to sell her house soon enough to continue that.
I am considering a Respite Care stay for her - and for us, to see how she does. Anyone have experience with that? 30 days in a memory care facility that I've toured twice, and their staff has come to the house to meet mom. I even managed to get her there once for lunch after a doctor appointment. I just wonder if Respite is better than keeping her in her home, hiring more in-home assistance, and trying to get her to Adult Day Care. (I will need more hours in every day I'm there to get that done, but will find a way). On the other hand, the idea of a community is both appealing and quite scary.
I live 4 hours away from my mother, in another state, and have been spending 90% of my time with her for the last several months. Hired aides have been helpful, especially when I return to my own house, but I realize I need more help during the days when I'm there. I work remotely full-time. And I'm realizing that Mom really needs more engagement than I can provide most days without sacrificing my job. Two brothers are in the area and visit when they can; another lives in Hawaii and comes for extended visits a few times a year; he and I are the primary caregivers, along with a family friend who helps out 6 days a week (is another son), but no one can really take her in or move in with her. She doesn't want to move anywhere else is the more accurate description.
For the next several months, I will be splitting each week between my home state and hers, and hiring a live-in aide when I am not there. Then getting someone to come in mid-day for a few hours the half of the week I am there.
Am I off-base in wanting more social engagement for her? She was the social queen of our community for a long time, and still has a very sharp wit. Funny, sassy and charming, when she wants to be, she makes us laugh every day.
(My profile is out of date as my father died 3 years ago and mom has lived alone since then.)
I would ask her to try some "day care center" visits, and if she dislikes them after a few weeks, then not to go back.
I do think she sounds like the type who would thrive in the activites, the communal meals, the game and TV room in ALF. It just sounds like she would.
There's often no ideal answer to these things. You do your best. But she is bored and in a good ALF that would definitely NOT be the case. And often they would just be visiting with one another when I visited my brother. There was once gentleman who was down to telling the one story over and over, a sort of memorized litany that everyone listened to over and over again, and he was always over at the communal lodge in the facility. He just liked to be around others, and watching the coming and going.
I wish you luck. You are trying to figure out what's best and you are the one who has the best guess in all of this. Good luck and do update us when something is tried.
Memory care is a community where she can be social queen .
It’s also a village of caregivers with nurses, aides, housekeeping , a chef , maintenance , PT, OT , activities , entertainment .
This is not sustainable at her home any longer . Your mother does not understand this .