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Yes, I did for about six months after each parent passed away. I would hear them calling me in the middle of the night, then I would jump out of bed and run to their bedroom then as I was standing there waiting for instructions as to what to do - I would snap out of it.
Neither have an actual diagnosis. And I don't think the trauma is all related to caregiving - but I feel like my DH and his sister both have quite a bit of trauma related reaction to everything about their relationship with their narcissistic abusive father, including years of caregiving in the end.
They are both conditioned to respond a certain way to certain stimuli. And they both have zero ability to make a decision. And I mean basically any decision. Something as simple as "where do you want to go for dinner" can evoke very strong emotional responses from both of them. Because they were both conditioned to believe that any choice was life or death. It didn't matter what the choice was, ALL choices have life or death repercussions. And as such, you cannot just make a choice, you have to analyze it and analyze it again and then they get into analysis paralysis and they literally cannot make a decision.
This became so much worse when we all had to become caregivers for their father. When the decision had to be made to place him in residential care - which was literally the only option we had - he made things so hard for them, blamed them, screamed at them, told them they were killing him. My SIL backed out and took him home 3 times before DH and I told her if she did it again we were done, we weren't helping anymore (and that was mostly me telling him I wasn't helping anymore).
My FIL has been gone for almost a year and half now - and mostly my SIL (DH to a lesser extent) STILL over think and over analyze that decision to this day. He is gone. He was abusive, he was a terrible father their entire lives, he robbed them of so much, but expected so much of them, and even in death he is still robbing them of so much.
They both still wake up in the middle of the night if the phone rings expecting it to be him or the SNF before they remember. They both tense up and wait for the shoe to drop.
So while not technically diagnosed, certainly some kind of trauma response for sure.
My problems also started long before the caregiving of my narcissist mother . I still jump when the phone rings or the doorbell rings . Mom is dead 6 years .
I may not know for certain, or to what degree, until after my caregiving journey ends.
I'll probably have flashbacks and find myself looking back at the cringeworthy times. I'm probably gonna cringe at the site of a potty chair. My mom has 2 of them and when she passes, they'll be the very first things to go.
I have diagnosed chronic functional anxiety since caring for both my parents . It gets much worse when triggered by yet another difficult family elder . My husband and I are on parent number 4 , now needing placement . I keep telling myself , it’s the last one . I doubt I will ever stop waiting for the other other shoe to drop.
I do not have an official diagnosis but complex PTSD has been suggested. If I pursue a diagnosis, I will update this post. Much accumulation from years of gaslighting and manipulation. I really had no idea how deeply I was affected until I had kids of my own. We moved my mother here after #1 was born. I soon realized our relationship was neither normal nor healthy.
As her dementia progressed she became very combative. Even a year after I put her in care I still jumped whenever I heard a door open, startled awake (certain she was trying to get through my bedroom door or yelling for me), darted like a ninja from the house to my car, checked outdoors to make sure she wasn’t wandering off… 3.5 years later, with much reading and reflection, my head and body aches and digestive issues have eased. I sometimes even sleep through the night. My exploding head syndrome (aka episodic cranial sensory shock) incidents are fewer. (I look to my dogs to see if it was a real noise or EHS) I can nap. I can sit with my back to a door. A work in progress.
Yes! I have it! Big-time! Every doctor offers me ant-depressants, but I have to keep on top of what the mastermind is up to! I realized that he stole his unused pills again at 2:00 AM! He thinks he is going to lie if he ever goes to a doctor again and says I'm making up stories about him! I have been to several lawyers and I was told that since my monthly money from SS will not get me anywhere I need to stay here and stand my ground! He has no doctors that will treat him! They all say that they can't help a liar! He tells everybody that he's depressed? Why? The SOB has his secrets that he still denies! I have had 3 investigations , one abuse complaint from him and they got confused when they investigated me! They told my daughter that he is the abuser? The only advice I get is to take pictures of my bruises and broken fingernails and blackened toes from him stomping on my feet! They tell me unless he says he's thinking about suicide they cannot admit him! I had huge damage from water pipes leaking that I am getting fixed hopefully after I get an ok to have people in my house due to immunity problems! Someone noted that I must love him? Just the opposite! Believe me if I felt better I'd be long gone! Yes I have PTSD!
ihave4dogs, please just leave. Go to a woman's shelter if you need to. You are not helpless. Let the social workers help you create a new, safe life. They can work to get you benefits in addition to your social security if appropriate, and help you with the legal issues of whatever marital assets you might be entitled to.
I dont have an ACTUAL diagnosis but I can tell you I sure feel like I do. I dont even want to live in my house anymore due to all the bad memories of trauma/drama my grandfather created there. I dont sleep well anymore, I have a VERY reduced appetite and I keep waiting for the next ball to drop. If I could sell the house and get a fresh start I would, but it is in BOTH our names and I dont want anymore investigations by the police, DCF or whoever else he can think of. He has been placed in memory care now, so hopefully I can stabilize myself with some normalcy but I literally get chest pain (anxiety) everytime I pull up at home. Every time my phone rings I worry what has happened now. Caregiving is the worst job I ever had. If I could only go back to BEFORE I agreed to help I would change so many things. My wellbeing as well as my own family would have been much better off.
A couple I know was asked by his grandfather to move in and help him! She was his full time care person taking him everywhere in his car that he insisted he was still capable of driving! They were investigated for abuse so many times by him and each time the investigations were proven wrong! She had two babies during the 10 year time frame! They were so sad that he got so mean to them! Less than a year later his mother was sick and died! She was so worried that they would have to take care of her also! They both were being treated for stress and depression! Sometimes your own family can be meaner than any stranger could ever be!
That’s a good question. As I’ve outlined in previous posts, I helped my mother remain in her apartment for 10 years (from age 84 to 94). She finally moved into a retirement home in November in another city, and my sister is now the primary caregiver. I now live too far away to be affected by the gravitational pull of caregiving that occurs when one is in the same city.
During the 10 years, I often felt trapped and very unhappy. My proximity, Mom’s immediate needs, and family expectations kept me stuck in a role that I essentially fell into. I believe that women (most often) fall into caregiving, and it can become a trap—a trap that one struggles in, in isolation. The word ‘despair’ is apt—I came to feel a sense of despair—the sense that I would be stuck forever. Her needs exponentially increased during the decade. My loss of my freedom was the hardest aspect to deal with—it felt like indentured slavery—I intuitively sense that this aspect of caregiving has traumatized me. I continue to feel triggered when I drive near her old apartment.
Having just emerged from this marathon, I am still tired, and feel a sense of disbelief and relief that this is finally over. I am determined to get on with my life and never want to do caregiving again.
I’ve come to realize just how easy it can be to get stuck in a bad, long-term situation, and know that I have much to make up to myself.
I will be interested in following your question to see if anyone has an actual PTSD DIAGNOSIS that is said to come as a direct effect of caregiving.
I think certainly we are made more or less anxious about it, we learn more or less what we are capable of or incapable of. We are likely triggered in future by seeing people struggle with things we remember struggling with.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
They are both conditioned to respond a certain way to certain stimuli. And they both have zero ability to make a decision. And I mean basically any decision. Something as simple as "where do you want to go for dinner" can evoke very strong emotional responses from both of them. Because they were both conditioned to believe that any choice was life or death. It didn't matter what the choice was, ALL choices have life or death repercussions. And as such, you cannot just make a choice, you have to analyze it and analyze it again and then they get into analysis paralysis and they literally cannot make a decision.
This became so much worse when we all had to become caregivers for their father. When the decision had to be made to place him in residential care - which was literally the only option we had - he made things so hard for them, blamed them, screamed at them, told them they were killing him. My SIL backed out and took him home 3 times before DH and I told her if she did it again we were done, we weren't helping anymore (and that was mostly me telling him I wasn't helping anymore).
My FIL has been gone for almost a year and half now - and mostly my SIL (DH to a lesser extent) STILL over think and over analyze that decision to this day. He is gone. He was abusive, he was a terrible father their entire lives, he robbed them of so much, but expected so much of them, and even in death he is still robbing them of so much.
They both still wake up in the middle of the night if the phone rings expecting it to be him or the SNF before they remember. They both tense up and wait for the shoe to drop.
So while not technically diagnosed, certainly some kind of trauma response for sure.
I still jump when the phone rings or the doorbell rings . Mom is dead 6 years .
I'll probably have flashbacks and find myself looking back at the cringeworthy times. I'm probably gonna cringe at the site of a potty chair. My mom has 2 of them and when she passes, they'll be the very first things to go.
It gets much worse when triggered by yet another difficult family elder .
My husband and I are on parent number 4 , now needing placement . I keep telling myself , it’s the last one .
I doubt I will ever stop waiting for the other other shoe to drop.
As her dementia progressed she became very combative. Even a year after I put her in care I still jumped whenever I heard a door open, startled awake (certain she was trying to get through my bedroom door or yelling for me), darted like a ninja from the house to my car, checked outdoors to make sure she wasn’t wandering off… 3.5 years later, with much reading and reflection, my head and body aches and digestive issues have eased. I sometimes even sleep through the night. My exploding head syndrome (aka episodic cranial sensory shock) incidents are fewer. (I look to my dogs to see if it was a real noise or EHS) I can nap. I can sit with my back to a door. A work in progress.
Aka anxietynacy.
If I could sell the house and get a fresh start I would, but it is in BOTH our names and I dont want anymore investigations by the police, DCF or whoever else he can think of. He has been placed in memory care now, so hopefully I can stabilize myself with some normalcy but I literally get chest pain (anxiety) everytime I pull up at home. Every time my phone rings I worry what has happened now.
Caregiving is the worst job I ever had. If I could only go back to BEFORE I agreed to help I would change so many things. My wellbeing as well as my own family would have been much better off.
During the 10 years, I often felt trapped and very unhappy. My proximity, Mom’s immediate needs, and family expectations kept me stuck in a role that I essentially fell into. I believe that women (most often) fall into caregiving, and it can become a trap—a trap that one struggles in, in isolation. The word ‘despair’ is apt—I came to feel a sense of despair—the sense that I would be stuck forever. Her needs exponentially increased during the decade. My loss of my freedom was the hardest aspect to deal with—it felt like indentured slavery—I intuitively sense that this aspect of caregiving has traumatized me. I continue to feel triggered when I drive near her old apartment.
Having just emerged from this marathon, I am still tired, and feel a sense of disbelief and relief that this is finally over. I am determined to get on with my life and never want to do caregiving again.
I’ve come to realize just how easy it can be to get stuck in a bad, long-term situation, and know that I have much to make up to myself.
I think certainly we are made more or less anxious about it, we learn more or less what we are capable of or incapable of. We are likely triggered in future by seeing people struggle with things we remember struggling with.
Interesting question for discussion.