I currently take care of my 70 year old mother. (only child)
To give some background, my mom was morbidly obese her whole life. She worked as a seamstress, and was always extremely lazy. She was a hoarder, she did not clean the house, nor the car, she had pets that were not properly cared for, and she did not raise me right. I never had things I needed growing up, and I was put in uncomfortable situations as a kid. She did the bare minimum as a mother to avoid getting in trouble with the law. She was verbally abusive and degrading, and most of the things she did, would not make sense to the average person. She was a neglectful selfish mom.
In August 2022, my fiance and I moved in with my mom to get back on our feet after dealing with unsafe living conditions at a run down rental property, and we were struggling to find another home with our financial situation at the time. This is not what ended up happening.
Mom fell in October 2022, and was taken to the hospital because she literally could not get off of the floor. She spent roughly 3 weeks in the hospital, then was moved to a "rehab" facility for 3 months where she was supposed to be getting stronger and relearning how to walk and take care of herself. She came back home in January 2023, and I have been taking care of her ever since. Nothing she did in rehab mattered. She is a fall risk, and one day in Jan 23, she lost balance in the hall, I braced her and she did not fall. She made the decision that day to stay in one room and never leave it.
Since that day, she has not left the room. My fiance and I have cleaned and organized the entire house in order for her to safely move around. It does not matter to her. She does not bathe, or brush her teeth. I have to bring literally everything to her from her incontinence supplies, to her medications, her food, her snacks, her packages. She has decided to cut her own hair. She has a bedside toilet less than 3 feet from her bed. She has a lot of non perishable foods in her room if she needs to eat, but I cook her dinner every single day. She can not manage her own bills without making accounting errors, I have taken over her finances.
She does not respect my boundaries nor my privacy. She does not care that she is ruining my life (I'm 31). She has taken away my freedom, and possibility to have my own family. I am extremely depressed and angry. I have done more for her in the past 3 years than she ever did for me. She believes I am required to help her, to spend my money on her (I work a part time job), and she constantly throws it in my face that "I can't leave" due to my financial situation. She sometimes texts me 30+ times a day, whether i am at home or at work, all repetitive texts. She expects me to drop everything i am doing at any given moment to cater to her. When I set my own boundaries, she disregards them. I have asked her to not text me past 8pm, and I am still receiving texts from her at 10pm. She lies to her friends about taking care of herself and tells lies on me and my fiance. She calls me a liar to my face about literally nothing, she threatens me and she no longer feels like my mother (the few good memories that i have of her).
I feel that I am being taken advantage of and being manipulated. I am a shell of myself. I want to put her into an assisted living facility (more or less a nursing home, because she can not care for herself). Every time I bring this up as a conversation, she either stops talking to me, and ignores me acts like I am not there. Alternatively, it turns into a big yelling match about this being her house and she is going to stay in it until she dies. She always said she would leave the house to me. She is a giant child. I clearly do not have the finances to put her into a home. If she would at least be respectful, I would not feel so terrible. However, I feel stuck, depressed, and I just want to enjoy my life with my fiance.
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you for reading my rant.
You are right. She is taking advantage of you. And you are being manipulated. And you are allowing it, because it seems easier than the alternatives. Figuring out how to get out of this situation seems unsurmountable and just taking her crap seems like the lesser of the evils. When you describe your mother, you are describing my FIL. My DH and I helped caregive for him, but we never lived with him. And I think that made all of the difference in the world.
Let me be straight with you. She is NEVER going to be respectful with you. She DOES feel you owe her everything she is expecting and more. She will never allow you to have boundaries, especially in her home.
I am begging you in from the bottom of my heart - from someone who knows what this did to my SIL's mental health - you do whatever you need to do to get out of that house. You get APS involved and you live in a shelter - whatever it takes. But you cannot stay there and provide care for your abuser.
Her lies can and will get worse. Her needs can and will get worse. Her demands can and will get worse. There will come a time where you can no longer do everything that needs to be done. Your relationship with fiancé will suffer, if it isn't already. Your physical health is going to suffer. SIL currently needs multiple surgeries.
You are young! You have your entire life ahead of you. Your mother made choices to make her life like this. You didn't do this to her. It is not your responsibility to take care of her.
But it is your responsibility to take care of yourself. Figure that out and get out of that house.
You are not getting that house any time soon. And if you are inheriting a hoard house...there is a good chance even if you got it right now it wouldn't be worth the work it took to fix all the unseen damage. But I promise you I can't imagine any inheritance is worth your self respect, mental health, physical health, future marriage and future family. Do the math. It doesn't add up. You are sacrificing everything for the possibility of a house.
And just a reminder...She said she would leave the house to you...woo hoo...what happens when she runs out of money and still has to go into care and the house has to be sold to pay for it? Are you going to sell your soul to save that house? Because that's pretty much what it boils down to.
Because when someone needs 24/7 care, and you can't work and you can't leave the house and you are living off of their social security...you are in even worse shape when they pass...but hey....you got a house....such as it is.
Please please don't take this as me coming for you. I have literally just seen this play out for my SIL and if I can stop even one person from this kind of pain and suffering I'm all about it.
Don't go down with your mother's ship. She hit the iceberg a long time ago and you and your fiance need to get into a lifeboat, like yesterday. For God's sake if both you and your fiance work, why do you stay in this terrible situation? You don't have to.
You and your fiance need to abandon her. Continue doing as you are with your mother until you've got an exit plan. Drop off her Depends and whatever food she eats in her room and have as little contact with her as you possibly can. It's good that she stays in one room. You ignore her texts. Or block her number so she can't leave you texts or call your phone. Don't argue with her for any reason no matter how hard she instigates for a fight. That's what she wants. Don't give it to her. This is what my mother did too. Spite her with civil disobedience. Don't fight with her no matter how much she berates you.
When you and your fiance have enough saved, put down a security on an apartment. If you're a hardship there are organizations that can help with things like furnishings and homewares. The Goodwill organization will help with that. I once pretty much furnished an entire apartment I lived in with stuff from Goodwill.
After you've got everything set up, tell your mother the two of you are leaving and she'll have to work out some other care arrangement for herself. Give her a week or two. Then you and your fiance walk out the door and don't look back.
You don't owe her anything. So whatever ways you help her are out of your own kindness. Remember that. You and your fiance need to go.
You are in your mother’s house , therefore her attitude will not change .
Giving up your life isn’t worth waiting to inherit a house .
Move out and call APS to deal with Mom .
If you are not her PoA then the courts will assign her a legal guardian. You will most likely need to move out of the house since it's not yours. You should be planning for this anyway.
You are not stuck. I just informed you of a solution, but you need to accept it as such. There are not going to be perfect solutions here. But mainly *you* don't need to be her solution. Get her situated into a facility. SHe doesn't seem to be a candidate for AL. She needs more care than that if she's barely mobile and doesn't do her ADLs. If the county social services somehow thinks she's still cogent enough to make decisions for herself, then you & fiancee will need to move out and report her to APS who will eventually make her go into a facility. Then move on with your lives. I wish you all the best.
You KNEW that, but you still decided to move in when you found yourself in need.
At that point it was kind of a mutual assistance agreement.
However, sounds like the deterioration of her health has made this a living situation that is no longer working for you.
I don't know if you are POA for Mom or not. But while she may have some problems with management of bill paying and etc (she may always have had) you do not mention dementia here.
Hoarding is on the DSM-5 manual now as a mental disorder, but as you know I am certain, it is not one anyone has found an answer to managing.
Your mother is 70 only.
I think you need now to sit with hubby and acknowledge that this move in was a mistake, but one you felt you should do at the time. And that you need now to move out. And need to plan that move carefully.
I would call APS and discuss with them. I would get pointers before any move.
I would then set the date for the move, provide mom with numbers to call for help including APS which at some point may assume/request state guardianship from the courts. THAT is between them and your Mom and need not involve you. I caution you never to accept POA from mom, nor request it, and if you have it I suggest you resign it while she remains legally competent, which she is. You cannot manage for someone uncooperative.
Whether she is accepting of going into care is up to her as long as the state doesn't mandate it.
Most hoarders live and die in their hoard and do not move anywhere. I think you can safely assume she will not.
Your engagement in her life is unlikely to help her, improve her, or manage her.
I would move, and to be honest I might move cross the country a way. It is up to mom then to call in help when needed. If she chooses to.
You are not, cannot be, your parent's keeper.
You do have a right to a life, and to get yourself and your partner together, in housing of your own, with good jobs, and plan a family in your future.
Not everything can be fixed. There are times when you can only keep yourself afloat. Reaching out to the person drowning often ends in your being taken down with them.
Mom will have the same resources that any hoarder who doesn't take good care of herself has--even those who never HAD children.
I am very sorry. It's a terrible situation with no easy answer and I think you and hubby would benefit from a few sessions with a good cognitive therapist.
Your childhood, sad it may have been, is over. Had you had the most loving care of any child on earth you STILL could not handle THIS.
You can make a good life going forward if you choose to.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you the very best of luck.
The choice is yours.
The 'Mutual Assistance Agreement' never works out. Especially when it involves a needy, aging parent. It becomes a 'Slave and Master Agreement'. Don't I know it too because I lived it.
I agree with the other posters here that you’re in a prison of your own making and it is time for you to escape. Make 2025 the year you leave this abusive person behind and start living your own life.
All the best to you! 😊
I had to laugh at this comment @SnoopyLove. This is SO unbelievably true.
My FIL - according to doctors they had no idea how he was still alive. He was on like 35 different medications, including 2 different kinds of insulin and his blood sugar stayed over 200, heart problems (remediated), stage 3.5 kidney failure, incontinence, bladder cancer (remediated), dementia, diabetic and peripheral neuropathy, mostly bedbound, vision issues, hearing issues, honestly there were very few systems that he didn't have problems with after it was all said and done.
His doctors were afraid to take him off of any of his medications because they were afraid to upset the apple cart. We used to joke that he was pickled.
His health indicators according to his doctors should have had him passing in his 70s, He passed 4 months shy of 90. We joked that it was out of spite.