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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Dear OP, my guess is that you are 64 yourself, and both you and your husband are in a truly difficult situation. Our neighbor was killed in a car accident three months ago aged 54, and in many ways this is easier for his widow than the situation you are in. At least she knows that the marriage is over, and now it is up to her to remake the rest of her life on new terms.
Perhaps that is what you may eventually be able to achieve: split your life in two. One half is a marriage that is ended in almost all senses of the word, except love and affection. The other half is what you plan to do with the rest of your own life, which you will need to live on your own terms. I don’t usually think that counseling has a lot going for it, but this may be one situation where it would help. Your friends and family all have memories of your past life, while someone new may be able to help you plan for the split future.
Yes, hard as it is, a New Chapter has begun. I had a friend who would frame things as if life was a movie, with different scenes, but all making up the 'story.' We may plan our lives but we never really know the entire 'script' ahead. We still have the 'previous' chapters, and we will be opening new chapters in our 'life book.' I think one beauty of this forum is it gives us a peek into all the different ways aging evolves and what caregiving can be; we can all learn from each other. And just like many things in life, we might have to make some of it up as we go along (get creative!) and even 'fake it 'til we make it'! As with many 'new' things in life, we feel awkward and even inadequate at times but it's all a learning experience; it's OK to feel/say "I don't know But I'll Find Out". All the best.
Seems like your DH has been in a NH for a while. Yes its sad and you did not think this would be how your lives would go. All I can say is to be an up person. When Mom was in LTC there was a woman who came everyday to be with her husband. (Before COVID). She knew my Mom from Church. Her DH suffered fromva debilitating stroke. He could not talk or showed he understood what was going on. Just sat in the chair. Mom was in her last stage of Dementia. So when I visited Mrs M and I would sit and talk. She would always turn to Mom and say "P what do u think of that." She would join in on the activities and the entertainment. Always smiling.
Not saying you need to visit everyday or be like Mrs M. But, we never know what life is going to throw in our path. I chose to think its because we need to learn something or its just life. Never understood what I learned caring for Mom other than I understand why people cannot care for LOs and have to place them. That it wasn't worth getting mad at my brothers for not doing their part. Its what is in. And I think its better to except that you can't change things and to be as positive as possible.
You’re now his advocate and cheerleader, every NH resident needs one. Know that you’ve done what was required to have him safe and cared for professionally. He’s blessed to have you in his corner. Care for yourself too, you matter
You keep loving on him without the anxiety of caregiving issues, and you go out and have some adventures for you to share with him when you see him next. You must NOT simply shift to spending all day every day at his nursing home, because this is also a bit of a transition time that you also need to experience so you can find your own feet as life changes for both of you.
In your profile you ask, "How can I be there for him emotionally when I am so sad?" You put your sadness aside when you are visiting your husband, and you put a smile on your face for HIS sake! There is plenty of time to be sad when you are alone at home. The time you spend together should be one where you are encouraging him to make progress with physical therapy, and when you can be together and holding hands, etc. That's all you can really do for him: be there physically so he can hold you and kiss your cheek. Have lunch together at the nursing home, sit outside in the garden, watch a movie, etc.
Things happen in life that are out of our control, so we learn to cope in time. The good thing here is that you still get to visit your DH AND have a life of your own that you can carve out. Join a support group or sign up for some therapy if you find yourself unable to cope with your new reality.
Wishing you the best of luck creating a new life for yourself and still going to see DH at the nursing home.
More information please. You live your life, you are finally your top priority and should have been all along. Read that book, take a long leisurely bath, bake a pie, meet a friend for lunch. Join a in person caregiver support group to start building new relationships.
Find a competent counselor/therapist to help you manage your grief and adjust to being home alone; then when you visit your husband you will be 'dating' again...try to make it a good thing for both of you, new things to talk about, etc. Part of seeing a loved one go into care is facing the inevitable cycles of our lives, which is an opportunity for reflection and growth. You will miss him...that's normal; you miss your 'old' life, of course...normal! But in time the 'new normal' will have its own rhythms and patterns.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Perhaps that is what you may eventually be able to achieve: split your life in two. One half is a marriage that is ended in almost all senses of the word, except love and affection. The other half is what you plan to do with the rest of your own life, which you will need to live on your own terms. I don’t usually think that counseling has a lot going for it, but this may be one situation where it would help. Your friends and family all have memories of your past life, while someone new may be able to help you plan for the split future.
Love and best wishes, Margaret
Not saying you need to visit everyday or be like Mrs M. But, we never know what life is going to throw in our path. I chose to think its because we need to learn something or its just life. Never understood what I learned caring for Mom other than I understand why people cannot care for LOs and have to place them. That it wasn't worth getting mad at my brothers for not doing their part.
Its what is in. And I think its better to except that you can't change things and to be as positive as possible.
Things happen in life that are out of our control, so we learn to cope in time. The good thing here is that you still get to visit your DH AND have a life of your own that you can carve out. Join a support group or sign up for some therapy if you find yourself unable to cope with your new reality.
Wishing you the best of luck creating a new life for yourself and still going to see DH at the nursing home.