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He was hospitalized for 4 days with a UTI and sepsis. He was transferred to a SNF because he is very weak and is on IV antibiotics. I have come to the realization that I can no longer care for him at home. He needs to go into LTC when discharged from the SNF. But, he calls me almost every night asking me where I am? Am I OK? Did he do something wrong? Why did I leave him alone at the hotel? It is breaking my heart. I am going back and forth 2 or 3 times a day. I'm staying for hours, but still get a phone call when I leave. I'm exhausted. Can anything help him? I feel terrible for him.

I’m so sorry.

Unfortunately, as we say around here, “Not everything can be fixed.”.

You’ve been a good wife. You’ve gotten appropriate care for your beloved husband.

You’ve told us that you are at your limit.

Since your husband may not be able to understand your reasoning, a simple, “It’s doctor’s orders, honey. “ may have to do.

You’ll probably have to repeat this to your husband many, many times.

Again, I’m sorry.
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Reply to cxmoody
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His brain is broken.
You cannot do the bidding of a broken brain. I am sorry, but that's the beginning of the end of it.
He has dementia. You will have to limit calls and will have to tell him anything from a white lie ("Sorry honey, doctor says you have to go here until you are stronger" ) to the truth (which get's my vote, and is "I am sorry honey, but I can't care for you in our home any more; I will come and see you every other day" (or whatever you can manage).

There is no good answer here. Not everything can be fixed. I am so very sorry. But you cannot afford to waste your energy thinking, as he does, that there's a good answer to this.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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elisny Sep 17, 2024
You are likely right when you say, "There is no good answer here."

And . . . I often wonder who has "the broken brain" when most people in our culture are content to institutionalize loved ones in "care" warehouses.
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Of course it’s heart breaking. Sometimes that’s the price of a long term relationship when aging and health issues take over. You’ve done well in looking after his best interests and are wise to know when the caregiving is beyond what you can accomplish on your own. Moody is correct, tell hubby the doctors say he must stay “until he’s all better” Reassure him of your love and care. When he’s settled into his new place be sure to bring items from home he’d enjoy having. Care for yourself as well, your health and future matter too
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I am so sorry. I went through this with my mom and finally moved her to a memory care home. The bed wetting, accidents everywhere, laundry every day, assisting with toileting, confusion. It was more than we could handle. My dad tried so hard to keep up as well. She is in a place that can take care of her and it was rough the first month, for sure. Asking to go home, not liking the change. But they helped us with the transition and we followed their advice to limit visits while she adjusted. Easier for them when they don’t have to say goodbye each day. Hardest part of it all. But dementia is an illness and it has many care needs that come with it.
I am so sorry you are both going through this. It sounds like it is time for a higher care for him and this, hopefully, will free you up from the work to allow you to spend more quality time with him when you visit.
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Reply to Kquirk1
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I'm so sorry for your sad situation. Yes, there are things that can help him. His doctor can prescribe anti-anxiety drugs to calm him down when he's panicking and getting all worked up. He's still able to make a phone call himself without assistance? If so, then block your number when you leave or let it go to voicemail. If they're assisting him to make these phon calls at night, tell them to stop.

There are facilities where the two of you can still live together and he'll get the care he needs. Maybe this could be an option for you both?

You took the first step which is realizing you're not able to care for your husband at home anymore and he has to be placed. That's hard. Now you go from there. He will have to acclimate to a new living environment. When he's permanently LTC, take the phone away. You're going to be visiting all the time, probably every day and you don't need additional heartbreak of him calling every five minutes when you go home.

You're doing the right thing putting him in LTC. It's okay to grieve over this decision. No one wants to put a person they love in a "home", but most of the time it's what is best for everyone including the person being placed.

Good luck to you and take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Get together with friends or take up interests that you may have had before you were caregiving. Please don't let your whole life be your husband's needs. You deserve t have a bit of a life for yourself.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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You will be even more exhausted if you bring him home. He needs serious care and he needs it 24/7. Leave him where he is and visit as often as you can. He is not in his right mind and he will say those things to you at home too.

I am sorry you both are going through this.

Take care.
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Reply to Jamesj
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Let him know he is "in the hospital" because of his infection. Try to limit your visit to once a day. Make it a routine to call in the evening to wish him good night.
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Reply to Taarna
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He is lonely, he is scared and he needs your care. I had a similar situation and found that the addition of a private caregiver was needed. For the one/one cuing, for the continuity and consistency of care, for the advocacy, and to be the person who knows the likes/dislikes and creates a routine that is so important in the life of a dementia/ALZ. I also only will use a home that allows cameras in the room. I don’t need to hear but I need to see. It is wonderful because the things that upset my loved one is also something I need to know and without the camera I am not told. The loss of words doesn’t mean there is a complete loss of a concern regarding another resident or an untrained aide.
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Reply to Tandemfun4us
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BurntCaregiver Sep 17, 2024
@Tandemfun4us

Most people aren't wealthy and can afford to hire a private caregiver on top of paying thousands of dollars a month for LTC. The facility can medicate him. This will help with the anxiety and agitation. Sure, he will have periods when he's lonely. So what. Most likely in memory care he will not be in a private room. A roommate can be companionship. There's also staff on duty 24/7 as well.

Cameras are a good idea though.
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Visit once a day to get your energy back.
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Reply to brandee
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So sorry. This is so hard. Wondering who is calling you and why…
1- Tell him he is home.
he is safe, you are here, he is loved.
2- medications may help.Ask for a psych consult.
3-Limit visits - maybe go 5-6 days for a brief period - change it up every day so you’re unpredictable and can see how he is at different times of day. 4-self care is critical. Take at least one day off for you. Phone a friend. Plan a weekend getaway. Get a manicure.
whatever works for you.
He is living with dementia - you have to think for both of you.
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Reply to AliOJ58
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