Parent now needs 24/7 care. I have taken that on so she can remain in her home. She had been independent until the last few years until mobility and health issues meant she can’t be alone. She needs help with everything now, getting in and out of bed or chair, dressing, hygiene, meals, medical appointments, managing home care PT and OT, cleaning, cooking, laundry, bill paying and doing taxes etc. Managing ok but two siblings are making everything so much harder than it needs to be. I want to be there and care for my parent and most siblings are appreciative and supportive. However two are making everything difficult. One criticizes and questions everything, doesn’t like the medical care, thinks they don’t do anything or don’t give her right meds or treatment. Gets mad about what and how much parent is eating. Just constant nitpicking and wanting daily details about everything happening with parent. Sometimes saying she is left out of decisions like getting a hospital bed and lift chair etc. I make sure to keep everyone informed and welcome their input. But the constant criticism and demands are wearing me down and impacting my sleep and making a tough situation tougher unnecessarily. And the other sibling that is a problem has her own mental health issues. In the past it was best to limit contact but now as caregiver for parent there is no way to avoid her craziness. I am doing everything I can to make sure parent is well cared for and happy and in her home. How do you deal with family members who make everything harder?
Now that stated--that least active sibling was the one who was the most vocal. "Why didn't the doctor call back yet?" / "We need to take her to a better specialist!" / "Why can't we just get a full-time HHA?! (they did not pay one thin dime towards mom's care, BTW) / etc. ad nauseum.
It was not until after our mom passed that I realized the root of the complaints: THEY FELT GUILTY. Just felt awful that they knew we were knocking ourselves out and putting our lives on hold for mom out of love for her, and all they had was excuses. They felt if they ran their mouths it would make them seem more concerned and contributory than they were. It's all internal.
I eventually fixed the problem by turning every complaint back on them. "She didn't eat anything but Ensure today? Why not?!" Me: "Because she is in the last stages of life and it is normal to not eat. But what I hear you saying is you're able to get her to eat, so I'm going to take a much-needed nap for a few hours and leave you to that. I'm sure you'll cook or buy her something amazing and get her to eat every bite!" Lather, rinse, repeat until they stopped putting on a show.
The complaining your siblings are doing is not coming from a good place; you are already working your butt off caring for your mom, and they're adding to your burdens for their own selfish reasons. Don't let them. Start calling them on their bluffs--with the understanding that every "issue" they have with mom's care will be addressed, handled, and sustained by THEM and ONLY them. It sucks to do on top of everything you're dealing with, but it's effective.
Blessings to you for loving on your mom and taking the lead.
One did not like it and threatened to sue me. I said go ahead with alllll your millions! He couldn't but he did yell at me! too bad I said! Oh he did have social services come out and screen me. I said WHAT! And when they saw what was going on they closed the case! Realized that I was doing what I needed to do and he was just blowing - steam!
Anyway, sometime this is what you need to do and know that they will get pissed.
Is the nitpicking sibling local, so there in your face, or out of town, so it criticizing from a distance.
You can sit them down and just be straight up like “hey I know y’all are scared and love our parent but I am doing my very best because I love them too. I need help, not criticism.” It may not work, but always worth a shot!