I am the eldest of 5 siblings. One brother and 4 sisters. We all 5 live in different states. One of my sisters came to live in my state and my mother came after. I have been a single mom of 4. My husband was not a good man so we got divorced when my children were little. He just left to other state and we didn't see him again. My 23 yr old son still lives with me and he is a student and my 24 yr old came temporarily while applying to medical school. My 27 yr old got full scholarship to an elite university. I rent a 3 br house. Each one of my sons has one br. I live in the other one. Well. My mother is 75 and travels a lot and she lives with 2 of my sisters sometines or alone in an apt she has in our country. Lately she was living with my sister who lives in my state until there was a fight with my sister's husband and their teenaged daughter. Then is when my mom wanted to move back with me (I had her october and November last yr). I told her I do not have an empty room. She wanted to live in the living room or garage. She wanted to help me financially too with $700. Well. As I stated before, I raised 4 kids alone. Now I do not want any responsibilities. Now I want to keep working to pay my bills and I do not want to worry about anything else. My siblings wanted my mom to live with me. They said they will have peace of mind if my mom lives with me. I didn't let my mom back in my house. Also, my mom fights with us all. She has been very mean to me too. She has even told me that my 2 younger sisters are her favorite.
Maybe she wants to live with me because I do not have a partner. My other siblings have partners and 2 sisters do not have children. My other sister only have one daughter.
I had to limit contact with my mom and sisters to protect my mental and physical health. They were very pushy telling me to help with mom.
Now I have reached out to my mom and she says she doesn't feel like talking to me because I didn't let her move in with me. She says my other 4 siblings take good care of her. My mom is renting a room/bathroom in a private home.
I feel that all my family is selfish and very manipulative. All my siblings have partners, make as much or better money than me and didn't raise kids alone. Why do I have to be the one? I do not feel guilty. I just feel abused. Thxs God I didn't let them to abuse me. What to do next?
Continue on in that world, knowing you are lucky, and staying GENTLY strong in your conviction.
You might consider, if there is a whole mess of them, mailing one form letter in which you promise you will not apply for Sainthood anytime in the future, in which you tell them that you understand they will have their own judgements about you but that you are well and truly uninterested in hearing them. That you are making a QUALITY life that works well for you, and wish them ALL good luck with doing the same for themselves. That you love them, but that you are ENTIRELY unable (as well as unwilling) to "do it their way".
Hugs! YOU GOT THIS RIGHT!
You have set boundries stick by them. A very good reason...you don't have the room. You now have 3 ADULTS living in your home. All with their own likes, dislikes and schedules. I have a feeling that Mom moving in would disrupt a situation that is working well for everyone. Seems like she is pretty independent if she travels and has a home in another country. So why does she need to live with any of her children? You don't need the added stress of someone who fights with you and probably makes no bones about telling everyone what they should and shouldn't do. Your children need a quiet place where they can study and have time to themselves.
I want to congratulate you on raising 4 kids alone. And they seem to be intelligent well adjusted adults. Not easy to do when you need to work too. You need to do what is best for you and your kids. They are your family. They will go on to maybe marry and maybe have kids. You want to be involved in their lives. These are the ones who may be doing for you in your old age. Not your siblings.
Don’t let others change your mind - your decision is already clear.
Any sibling who wants peace of mind can step up themselves.
Yes, they were trying to abuse you.
What do you do now? You live your life as you wish. Don't try to connect with them (Mum and sisters), they are going to be pissy because you did not ask how high when they said jump.
I am curious where is your brother in all this? Is he not expected to step up?
Congratulations on raising strong children who understand the importance of education.
This is very telling. She is not that old yet, and still capable. Sounds like she just needs a "home base" to have a place to drop in when between travels. She can find an apartment, IL, hotel/motel or some other accommodation between trips.
"I told her I do not have an empty room. She wanted to live in the living room or garage. She wanted to help me financially too with $700."
Garage? Wouldn't a nice hotel room be nicer? LR? Where would she keep her stuff? So *generous* too - WHERE could she store her stuff and have a place to drop in periodically for that amount of money? Obviously you are fine economically, so that carrot isn't very tempting, is it? Don't bite it!
"As I stated before, I raised 4 kids alone. Now I do not want any responsibilities. Now I want to keep working to pay my bills and I do not want to worry about anything else."
That is your right and as others noted, great job raising educated responsible adults! I raised 2 from a young age myself (unfortunately the ex stuck around just to make my existence miserable whenever he could!) and also had to work full time. I can't imagine having to do the same with 2 more, although I loved having kids & would welcome more!
"My siblings wanted my mom to live with me. They said they will have peace of mind if my mom lives with me."
Sure, THEY will have peace of mind, because she'd be off their backs and out of their homes! NOPE!
"She has even told me that my 2 younger sisters are her favorite."
As jacobsonbob said, she likes them best, go live with them!!!!
"Maybe she wants to live with me because I do not have a partner."
Sounds more like (to me) that she just wants a place to go between travels. Having fewer people that she might "interact" with might be part of her plan, but more likely it's because she's already worn out her welcome with the others... You're next on the rotation!
"Now I have reached out to my mom and she says she doesn't feel like talking to me because I didn't let her move in with me."
If that's her reason for not wanting to talk to you, clearly she is SELFISH. If she weren't, she would understand.
"She says my other 4 siblings take good care of her."
Fine. GO LIVE WITH THEM!!!
"My mom is renting a room/bathroom in a private home."
Sounds like the BEST arrangement. You limited contact and after reaching out she said she didn't want to talk to you, so there you have it. Don't make contact. Maybe send her some greeting cards, Happy B'day, Mother's Day, some random whatever day, but stand your ground! You have EARNED the right to have a life of your own. The children are on the cusp of leaving the nest and you can start taking care of your needs, all the things you have given up to raise these great kids!
"I feel that all my family is selfish and very manipulative."
And you would be right. As noted above, they've already closed the gates, yet THEY feel you should open yours. Nope.
"Why do I have to be the one?"
You don't. Just because they or your mom think so, it is NOT their decision.
"I do not feel guilty."
Good. As others have said, too many DO feel guilty and are pressured into doing this and regret it. Once she's in, how would you get her out if it didn't work out? Although 2 of your boys are in rooms, she'll think the rooms are available when they go to school. NO. Between semesters, on breaks, etc, they have a right to return to their own rooms. Even if they did move elsewhere, those rooms can be used for ANY of your kids, friends, other family who come to visit. It's your place, you have every right to say who comes in, who stays, who doesn't, what your rooms are used for!
"What to do next?"
Stand your ground. She has a drop spot, let her live her life and you live yours! You don't need excuses or explanations. As many say often on this site, NO is a complete sentence!
Do not feel bad about protecting yourself from the family you were born into. They all could have stepped up and they obviously have not. Don't buy into their manipulation. If they think she should be living with one of her adult children then let them move her in.
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