Mom is 90-years-old with dementia. Not full blown Alzheimer's, but getting close. She can still get around with a walker, but is a fall risk. My 50+ year old brother (R) lived in her yard in a trailer for several years. About 3 years ago he sold his trailer and moved into her house. He agreed to keep her fed, give her meds and be a warm body in the house in case of another fall. Mom still pays all the utilities and groceries. We have to use Mom's savings to pay a lady to stay with her and do all her hygiene care, entertainment and get her ready for the evening 6 days a week. She even comes for an hour on Sunday morning to make sure Mom is up and clean. In the beginning I agreed to pay my brother a small amount to give him a little income for his weekend time even though he volunteered to be there for her. At the time he had no job.Now, he does have a job and is complaining about having no time for himself. Three weekends a month my other brother (J) or I or my caregiver lady covers Mom's care. The weekend that my lady comes, it cost us about $800 for 48 hours of care. (J) and I both live around 350 miles away or we could go more. Here's my problem. I want to pull (R's) weekend pay and use it to pay part of the $800 I have to pay my lady. My brother (J) and I go and stay for free. We let the caregiver off when we're there so we don't have to pay her those 10 hours each weekend. We pay for our own gas and food and arrange our whole family's lives around the weekend we star with Mom. AND have no problem doing that for our Mom. So, since (R) no longer helps Mom 3 out or 4 weekends and the cost of the caregiver coming the extra 48 hours at a higher rate, is it unreasonable to as (R) to "donate" his time for the 4th weekend? It does not cost him anything to live at Mom's house. Again, she pays for everything.
What is your brother's goal? Now that he has a job, does he want to move out? Or does he want to continue living there and being the overnight "eyes and ears" to keep your mother safe but not have to do the hands-on care? That might be the best solution.
It costs him in terms of seeing to it that a woman who has dementia, and cannot be safely alone on her own, is NOT ALONE. He sees to it she is safe, fed, and hasn't fallen.
If you wish to withdraw some of the payment, then he is in like not obligated to stay there during those hours.
If you are wise this is all done by a legal care contract. Otherwise you are gifting your mom's money and she wouldn't qualify for any in-facility care were it to come to be needed. It is a protection for those GIVING the are and the person (mom) receiving the care. I am assuming you are POA. You are therefore responsible for every penny into and out of mom's accounts, and would be held liable for that in any court were there accusations from anyone of any wrongdoing. So a protection for YOU as well.
Mom is 90. This situation is self limiting as her death approaches. Mom will soon be gone; you as the likely executor will handle her will and her wishes thereafter, I would assume.
I am highly relieved to hear that Mom's son has a job now. He will likely need that, and the worst thing we on Forum usually see is that someone overseeing care for an elder ends up with no home, no job, no job history, and our having to suggest they go to a shelter. I hope the son is saving all his funds, as he will need that to care for himself. I almost wish he had hung on to that trailer for future needs; hope he will be able to afford another.
So, you're getting close to a time when mom will not be able to be left alone. What's the plan then?
"(J) and I both live around 350 miles away or we could go more" So, you are pretty much dependent on your other brother who lives with mom to pick up the slack when the paid caregiver isn't in.
By all means, stop paying your brother if you think you can get a better deal hiring someone to come in. BUT - what is your and other brother's plan for the day when this still-living in mom's house brother decides that he has had enough of taking care of a 90 year old in almost full-blown dementia - and all that it entails - and tells you he's moving out? Are you ready to place mom into a facility once her funds to pay a full time live-in caregiver(s) run out? Or uproot your life to move into mom's home and take care of her?
It's good your brother has a job, because when mom is eventually no longer in the house - whether she passes away or you have to place her - he is going to need an income of his own to be able to live, because mom's money will 1) either die with her or 2) will have to go to whatever facility she ends up in.
How much are you actually paying this brother? Would an "outside" caregiver really be that much cheaper? Is this really a hill you want to die on?
I think it's fair to do this since she does cover all expenses. The question is whether he will agree. Will he be reasonable, or cause problems?
Is your mom approaching the point where you/she will need to sell her house and move her into a facility? That's something you might need to start thinking about. Who has the authority to make that decision, and what will your brother's reaction be? Will he go along, or try to obstruct?