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My father in law has always avoided any verbal contact with me, he lives with us (going on 9 years), his son, myself & 2 grandkids that he also doesn't speak to. Mainly he only speaks to his son & only in Spanish, he speaks English but refuses. FIL goes out of his way to avoid me & the grandkids. He will do an about face if I am in the kitchen. He acts as if he can not be in the same room with me. He is now doing this outside while in his car, I park behind FIL. One day I caught him waiting for me to leave so he could pull his car into the driveway. I came home from work for lunch & I parked on the grass so I would not keep him from his parking spot. I go out of my way to be nice to him & he treats me like I have leprosy. Why does he do these stupid things? Has anyone had any experience like this with a senior family member? Oh by the way, he does sometimes treats his son the same way but he does communicate with his son. With the kids & I there are no words exchanged at all, not even Merry Christmas, happy new year or happy birthday. He mainly just gives me dirty looks & says huh a lot as if he is criticizing what I am doing or what the kids are doing. Obviously he's no Saint because that's why he's living with us. He's done plenty bad to have to move in with us. I treat him the same way he treats me, I ignore him but it is starting to affect my mental health. I have verbally expressed to my husband that I refuse to care for him because he obviously doesn't like me & why would I go out of my way to care for someone that hates me & my kids (his grandkids). He has other grandkids but mine don't mean anything to him even though they are his son's biological children. We are not special to him. I have never bothered to ask FIL why he treats us like this because I'm sure he will lie to me. My husband says to ignore him like FIL ignores me but after 9 years it's getting hard to ignore. He has no friends, no one to talk to & I speak Spanish but he refuses to speak to me. I have never yelled at him or have said anything bad to his face. Why is he behaving like this especially with me? Any advice is appreciated.

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@InvisibleDIL - you ask the same question multiple times- "Would you ask your own parents to leave your home?" I'm assuming there is a cultural overlay at play here because my own parents would never treat myself, my DH or my children the way that you describe.

My FIL on the other hand - behaved similar to the way that you describe your FIL behaving. He had a real issue with women in general and believed that children had little to nothing to offer him, especially female children. So he talked down to and mistreated women. As a result - my children - both girls - after my MIL passed - no longer saw my FIL. My daughters only visited when my MIL was alive and barely spent any time with FIL, only MIL. We never, ever asked them to spend time with FIL. And I told my DH that FIL was not welcome to ever live in our home - period.

I helped DH care for FIL in his home - but he was not welcome to live in our home. And if he overstepped and mistreated me - he was quickly set straight on his behavior.

My FIL was an abuser and he was a narcissist.

So to answer your question - yes...if my FIL lived with us (which would not have happened in the first place) he would have been asked to leave if he could not treat myself and our children appropriately - period.

I recognize there must be something cultural at play here, but that does not give your FIL the right to treat you badly nor your children badly, especially in your own home.
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Reply to BlueEyedGirl94
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You should not tolerate this behavior in your own home. Your husband is disrespecting you by allowing it. Tell your husband this needs to end now. Has his father always been like this?
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InvisibleDIL Mar 25, 2025
FIL has always been like this ever since I've known him. He has had a rough life & he doesn't have anyone else to help him. As with most seniors they become more difficult as they age. Aging for some seniors is not like fine wine, it's not getting any better with time. I'm hoping he will forget to come home, get lost & will have to be put in a nursing home.
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You have put up with this abuse for 9 years.
You are teaching your children and grandchildren that it is alright to treat people this way.
You should have told your husband 9 years ago that this was bothering you and your husband should have talked to his father 9 years ago.
And the conversation should have gone like this.
"Dad if you do not show respect to my wife you will have to find another place to live." Then showed his father to the door when he failed to show you respect.

So the ball is in your court. Any and all of the following might work.
1. You see a therapist to find out why you have put up with this
2. You tell your husband that you are done putting up with his dad's abuse
3. You move out (stay married if you want)
4 You continue to put up with this until your FIL dies.

Oh, and to answer your last question why is he behaving like this....He does not respect you and by extension your kids and grandkids.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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You have a marriage problem not a FIL problem. Your FIL disrespects you and his own grandchildren and your husband is fine with it.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Why do you allow him to live in your house when he treats you and your children this way? Why does your husband allow him to live in your house when he treats you and his children this way? Tell you husband you want your FIL to move out. If he doesn't agree, insist on marriage counseling. You and your children deserve a happy, comfortable home life and your husband owes it to you to solve this problem by having his father leave.
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InvisibleDIL Mar 25, 2025
Hmmm, easier said than done, We live in a state that has become so unaffordable to live in unless you live with other family members. FIL does not help us financially at all, he believes he is entitled because he is a senior citizen. No one cares for him, he has been abandoned by his other family members. They don't care for him at all. It's a tricky situation to ask FIL to leave. Would you ask your mom or dad to leave?
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You obviously have no intention of getting FIL out of your home. No point in asking for advice when nothing will change.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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Because women are chattel in his culture.
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Reply to Geaton777
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InvisibleDIL Mar 25, 2025
Would you ask your own parents to leave your home?
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I remember you asking this question a few months ago. Seems the situation is still the same. As it’s making you miserable in your home the solution lies in either you or FIL not living there any longer. If the home is owned by you and your husband it makes no sense for you to move. If it’s owned by FIL you’ll need to move. If the issue is husband prioritizing dad over his wife and children, that’s a marriage problem in need of counseling. I hope you can find an answer that brings you peace
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InvisibleDIL Mar 25, 2025
FIL doesn't own a dime to his name. I do feel as though everyone would be better off without him. He is not a pleasant person to be around. The only thing is he has no place to go but a nursing home. No one wants him. His son is nothing like him which makes it harder for me to leave plus of the kids. I don't think marriage counseling would be beneficial to us...but maybe I need to look into that.
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Like Geaton I wander too why your asking the same question for the 3rd time. This is a question you should have asked FIL a long time ago. After 9 years I would think you would just except this behaviour. Just do what you need to do and let him be.
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