I was primary caregiver for my Mom. She had some dementia and debilitating arthritis. She died this past December 2nd but I had blocked a lot out. As my memories started to cone back, I decided to read my journals. On a few occasions, I had gotten angry with my Mom because I was trying to help her.and she was resistant. I was never physically abusive but on November 26th, I lost my cool and called her a bad name.On November 27th, she said to me Remember, you haven't done anything wrong. I would always ask her to forgive me and she would say, there's nothing to forgive. But on December 2nd, she died. A few days before that she went to the ER and I lovingly was with her the whole tine and she knew it. We came hone that night and was sleepy from pain meds but woke up the next day lovingly smiling at me. But I can't forgive myself for what I said to her. Do you think she knew I loved her?
So who was abusive to you growing up, and convinced you that you are a "bad girl", because you reaction isn't rational, is the reaction of someone who was victimized repeatedly, and may require some GOOD in person counseling with a qualified licensed cognitive therapist.
That said, if this isn't your normal response to life, you could be suffering a grief reaction. Grief specialists tell us that we will try to "be angry rather than walk into and through the finality of grieving". Usually people choose to be angry at doctors, nurses, hospitals and other institution, long term care facilities, even the parents themselves ("My Dad neglected himself and now....etc"). In some more rare cases the grieving person turns the blame inward.
In either case you need expert help to let this go. The stories we tell ourselves, whether true or false, when repeated beCOME our truth, and in this case it is very self-harming.
Do get help. Know I am very sorry for your loss and for your pain, but know also that as a mother, were I not dead already, it surely would kill me to think that my child was doing this to him/herself.
I think she was so very fortunate that she had you with her until the end. So many don’t have anyone. Instead of focusing on one moment of frustration remember all the kind things you did for her. By her smiling lovingly at you, she definitely did.
All of us that have been caregivers for any length of time, if we're honest, will tell you that we've all lost our cool with our loved ones and said or did things we're not proud of, but that doesn't mean that we didn't love the one we were caring for, nor they us, it just means that we are human and we all have our breaking point.
Being a caregiver for someone you love is the HARDEST job out there, and we all do the very best we can, so rest in the knowledge that you did the very best you could and that your mom is very proud and thankful of all you did for her.
Please don't continue to waste your time with the should have could have would haves, as that will get you nowhere fast, and she would not want you doing that.
You loved your mom and she loved you, and you did the very best you could. And for that you should be proud.
So please quit beating yourself up over something that millions of caregivers before you have done and millions after will do as well. Again, it's called being human.
I pray that you will now honor your mom by moving forward without this misplaced guilt, and know that she loved you very much.
God bless you.