Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Is there an estrangement between yourself and the ailing family member that would prevent them from wanting to see you? Is it in their best interest to see you? Were you wronged and want to forgive them? Did you wrong them and want to ask their forgiveness?
I guess all you can do is ask whomever is managing access to them. But I would do so with caution depending on why you feel like you would need to convince someone vs just having free access.
And I would take no for an answer if that is what is given.
We need more info. Who is the family member to you? Does the person not allowing you to see LO hold POA. How is that person related to LO? What is the reason you are given?
My step kids grandfather is passing. The two adult kids don't speak to each other. The step son wants to see his grandpa but the step daughter will not allow him to see the grandpa. It's difficult since the step son hasn't seen the grandpa in 8 years nor has had any communication with him, but wants to see him before passes. Unfortunately, the step daughter has the grandpa in her home so it makes the step son impossible to see the grandpa.
Thanks for the update! We don't know why when it comes to death, there's things that need forgiveness. This might be the case. An accompanied visit should be given for the relationship to be concluded, seeing is believing and could also be comforting to all.
The daughter might be petty and spiteful, or she might have genuine concerns that a relative appearing after eight years with no communication would be upsetting to the dying man. I'm sorry about the estrangement but if it hasn't been resolved for the past eight years, the step-grandson would be best to just accept it as a regrettable thing in life and move on.
I think that the best and easiest way to reassure the person who wants to block you from visiting is to offer to see the loved one accompanied by the "objecting relative" and reassure that you will not be bringing up uncomfortable or disagreeable subjects.
If grandpa is on Hospice it might be possible to ask the Hospice Social Worker to help out. But the person with all the "power" in this is the POA or Guardian. Maybe you can ask for a monitored or supervised visit.
Who is the person that needs convincing ? The aging elderly, or a younger more vibrant person?
If its the younger person, I would try to remind them that, whatever it is the aging elderly had done wrong in the past...they can't hurt you now. I would try to remind them, that all of us have a finite time here, and that if there is even the slightest desire for reconciliation in their heart, then they should deal with it and reconcile before its too late - because once that elderly person is gone- they are gone.
Over the years, I have developed the perspective that; personal grudges aren't worth holding. It doesn't bring you revenge. It doesn't bring you satisfaction. It's just an unnecessary weight to carry on your mind. A weight that you will carry to your grave. Why carry a weight to your grave? It will just make you fall faster.
Have hospice ask the elderly person if they want to see you. My siblings was blocking me for spiteful reasons and when the nurse asked my mom if she wanted to see me she said yes. I got to visit a few times before she passed.
I had issues with my Aunt, but I told her to go see my mom because she is not going to last much longer. My Aunt didn't visit her sister/my mom often. It infuriated me so much. I was actually contemplating not telling her at all. I have a heart. My mom was very important to me and so I told the world to go see my mom one more time. Not sure how anyone could deprive their loved one over a visit.
I had a situation with my sister and her family at my mom's end and afforded her the option to come and see mom before she passed with the hospice nurse having the option to control the situation. And instead of her coming to see mom she and her kids decided to get on social media and get ugly about me and then call me to act like nothing was going on. Mom passed the next morning. They only came to visit mom when it was on their terms most of the time, I let them visit even though it was a difficult visit. My mom was in my home and I took care of her without their help. I have since reached out to her and told her that I forgive her of the ugliness it's been almost 3 years' now with no response. I have no regrets of taking care of my Mom I have great memories and some bad ones would do it again if I had to,
My father is still living but with lots of medical conditions and dementia and mobility issues. My siblings were visiting him and calling him until each one by one were verbally abusing him and undue influence. Our father was not very present in our lives after he divorced our Mother so they blamed him for all their faults and it works like a charm on him. So one by one I set up a monitoring service with a qualified nurse to be present when any of them wanted a visit or a phone conversation at the facility. Once that was set up and they could no longer intimidate him the calls and visits stopped. So I as well have decided that when the time comes if we hear from them again I will do the same thing a visit with a monitor. Unfortunately I learned from experience with our Mother while she was on her last days in semi colma in and out of consciousness very weak. My brother came in for a visit she of course was in my home in hospital bed and I stepped out to get a glass of water no sooner did I step out I heard our Mother yelling GET OUT GET OUT I ran back into room and she was sitting up crazily. I kicked him out and held and rocked her to calm her for hours laying her back her eyes still crazy she hadn’t spoken in days before this. My mother passed early that morning and it was not the peaceful passing I had hoped to give to her for her love and guidance she gave me. I will not allow a repeat of that awful situation.
You're making hard decisions—but they’re right for your dad and right for you. You’re protecting his dignity now in a way that was taken from your mother. That’s a powerful act of love. And I hope you give yourself credit for that, even if others don’t.
I work as a RN. People tend to "hold on" until whatever issues in life that matter to them are resolved. If they have a cherished pet, they hold on until a person reassures that he/she will take care of the pet. Worried about the will, the bills, finances? Remind them that ______ is the executor of the estate and will take care of it. Deeply religious person? Get the pastor or priest in for prayer and last rites. Have loved ones to say good bye to? They hang on until that last person comes by to say good bye. Just ask each person that comes by to focus on reassuring love and that it is ok to let go.
Someone mentioned your grandfather although I do not see this information in your question. I do not understand the question - who is it you are wanting to convince - the person dying? Someone with legal authority to make decisions?
My instinct says to 'let this go' and there there is no convincing. It might be more of understanding the emotional attachment to this decision, and how the person making this decision will feel after the person dies (if it isn't the person dying you are talking about).
We all need to deal with our day-to-day, moment-to-moment decisions in how we interact with a person declining. We get angry, frustrated, lash out ... feel bad ... especially when reflecting when a person dies (or this is my experience with the 'Why didn't I?" ... Why did I's?"
If you are talking about the person dying, I would honor their wishes. And, be present with that person - with everyone concerned. Just listen and try to 'not' fix what you / others feel isn't right - in the moment. It is a time to let go and be at peace with what is.
Father married an unforgiving/grudge holding stepmother whom eventually convinced Dad to cut me out of their life. See I’m a horrible person you know. So anyway, when she had a stroke, and my sister helped them into a retirement home. I got to thinking that I did not want to die without making an official attempt at reconciliation because they hadn’t spoken to me for years. I told my sister, who was completely against it, but intellectually and emotionally understood. So she said not to tell her when I was going to visit them and the plan was to do it unexpectedly because I knew that they would reject me if they heard I was coming. So I did. And I had the opportunity to speak with my father without my stepmother present and it was really nice short meeting and he wanted me to keep in touch, but I told him no, think about it, and tomorrow let me know cause I was only there for the day & had to fly back the next day. So the next day I saw him, and as expected, he told me never to contact him again (I knew that’s what his wife wanted and that was expected). But he was willing to hear about my life through my sister. And we hugged and parted, and he told me he loved me. Then I caught hell from my sister when I got home, which I rebuked her by reminding her of the conversation we had before I left.
Fast-forward a year and a half maybe two, and dad died and she didn’t tell me until two weeks later after he was buried and everything was done because they made their instructions Very clear I was to have nothing to do with their funeral. Ouch.
I was a serious mess for a few years when I was young, but I never took it out on them. I eventually learned in that conversation with my dad his issue was that I had told everybody who came into my life that he abused me, and it was true. Because it was true. I had never gone go on and on about it, but I just stated it as a fact like when you’re telling somebody “how did you grow up” you know? That was part of the story, including that he was a good provider, never lack for anything, but he did have a nasty temper and could be very critical. I did have regret when he said that, but I had to keep my mouth shut because I already knew from my sister that they had become delusional in their old age thinking he had never even hit us kids, haha right. It was not a time for arguing.
My dad and I had had a good relationship aside from that. To note: He was never a sexual abuser, if anyone’s wondering, just very heavy-handed with a quick hot temper.
And I forgave my sister too, It took a few months. I told her that she had an allowed their hate & unforgiveness to interfere with our relationship. She told me she was afraid she had lost me forever for what she did and she said she was sorry.
she gave me all the information about him afterwards where he was buried etc. I don’t care right now. It doesn’t matter. What mattered to me was not losing another family member over unforgiveness. it’s more important to forgive as hard as it is sometimes. . At this point in my life I am so done with hate and unforgiveness. It is so sad how many people are hurting because of those two evils.
One last thing. When I went to visit my dad I was so focused on just getting the opportunity to speak to him that I had forgotten to prepare what to say. So I think that could’ve have been better, so think about that as well.
I say forget this thing about getting permission to see who you wanna see before they die. Who are they? Are they God? And truly, what does God want? He wants forgiveness and love between all his children. I say go with that.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Is there an estrangement between yourself and the ailing family member that would prevent them from wanting to see you? Is it in their best interest to see you? Were you wronged and want to forgive them? Did you wrong them and want to ask their forgiveness?
I guess all you can do is ask whomever is managing access to them. But I would do so with caution depending on why you feel like you would need to convince someone vs just having free access.
And I would take no for an answer if that is what is given.
My sister wouldn't let people come visit her and it made my heart ache that she chose to not let someone say "I'm sorry, I love you."
Life happens and chit happens, sometimes we have to let go but keep our boundaries, maybe those two could let it go for a short time.
But the person with all the "power" in this is the POA or Guardian.
Maybe you can ask for a monitored or supervised visit.
If its the younger person, I would try to remind them that, whatever it is the aging elderly had done wrong in the past...they can't hurt you now. I would try to remind them, that all of us have a finite time here, and that if there is even the slightest desire for reconciliation in their heart, then they should deal with it and reconcile before its too late - because once that elderly person is gone- they are gone.
Over the years, I have developed the perspective that; personal grudges aren't worth holding. It doesn't bring you revenge. It doesn't bring you satisfaction. It's just an unnecessary weight to carry on your mind. A weight that you will carry to your grave. Why carry a weight to your grave? It will just make you fall faster.
So one by one I set up a monitoring service with a qualified nurse to be present when any of them wanted a visit or a phone conversation at the facility. Once that was set up and they could no longer intimidate him the calls and visits stopped.
So I as well have decided that when the time comes if we hear from them again I will do the same thing a visit with a monitor. Unfortunately I learned from experience with our Mother while she was on her last days in semi colma in and out of consciousness very weak. My brother came in for a visit she of course was in my home in hospital bed and I stepped out to get a glass of water no sooner did I step out I heard our Mother yelling GET OUT GET OUT I ran back into room and she was sitting up crazily. I kicked him out and held and rocked her to calm her for hours laying her back her eyes still crazy she hadn’t spoken in days before this. My mother passed early that morning and it was not the peaceful passing I had hoped to give to her for her love and guidance she gave me.
I will not allow a repeat of that awful situation.
My instinct says to 'let this go' and there there is no convincing. It might be more of understanding the emotional attachment to this decision, and how the person making this decision will feel after the person dies (if it isn't the person dying you are talking about).
We all need to deal with our day-to-day, moment-to-moment decisions in how we interact with a person declining. We get angry, frustrated, lash out ... feel bad ... especially when reflecting when a person dies (or this is my experience with the 'Why didn't I?" ... Why did I's?"
If you are talking about the person dying, I would honor their wishes. And, be present with that person - with everyone concerned. Just listen and try to 'not' fix what you / others feel isn't right - in the moment. It is a time to let go and be at peace with what is.
Gena / Touch Matters
Father married an unforgiving/grudge holding stepmother whom eventually convinced Dad to cut me out of their life. See I’m a horrible person you know. So anyway, when she had a stroke, and my sister helped them into a retirement home. I got to thinking that I did not want to die without making an official attempt at reconciliation because they hadn’t spoken to me for years. I told my sister, who was completely against it, but intellectually and emotionally understood. So she said not to tell her when I was going to visit them and the plan was to do it unexpectedly because I knew that they would reject me if they heard I was coming. So I did. And I had the opportunity to speak with my father without my stepmother present and it was really nice short meeting and he wanted me to keep in touch, but I told him no, think about it, and tomorrow let me know cause I was only there for the day & had to fly back the next day. So the next day I saw him, and as expected, he told me never to contact him again (I knew that’s what his wife wanted and that was expected). But he was willing to hear about my life through my sister. And we hugged and parted, and he told me he loved me. Then I caught hell from my sister when I got home, which I rebuked her by reminding her of the conversation we had before I left.
Fast-forward a year and a half maybe two, and dad died and she didn’t tell me until two weeks later after he was buried and everything was done because they made their instructions Very clear I was to have nothing to do with their funeral. Ouch.
I was a serious mess for a few years when I was young, but I never took it out on them. I eventually learned in that conversation with my dad his issue was that I had told everybody who came into my life that he abused me, and it was true. Because it was true. I had never gone go on and on about it, but I just stated it as a fact like when you’re telling somebody “how did you grow up” you know? That was part of the story, including that he was a good provider, never lack for anything, but he did have a nasty temper and could be very critical. I did have regret when he said that, but I had to keep my mouth shut because I already knew from my sister that they had become delusional in their old age thinking he had never even hit us kids, haha right. It was not a time for arguing.
My dad and I had had a good relationship aside from that. To note: He was never a sexual abuser, if anyone’s wondering, just very heavy-handed with a quick hot temper.
And I forgave my sister too, It took a few months. I told her that she had an allowed their hate & unforgiveness to interfere with our relationship. She told me she was afraid she had lost me forever for what she did and she said she was sorry.
she gave me all the information about him afterwards where he was buried etc. I don’t care right now. It doesn’t matter. What mattered to me was not losing another family member over unforgiveness. it’s more important to forgive as hard as it is sometimes. . At this point in my life I am so done with hate and unforgiveness. It is so sad how many people are hurting because of those two evils.
One last thing. When I went to visit my dad I was so focused on just getting the opportunity to speak to him that I had forgotten to prepare what to say. So I think that could’ve have been better, so think about that as well.
I say forget this thing about getting permission to see who you wanna see before they die. Who are they? Are they God? And truly, what does God want? He wants forgiveness and love between all his children. I say go with that.