Mom is 91. She has just been moved to the highest level of care in her AL facility, primarily because of increasing memory loss and confusion. She believes she is just fine. I got financial POA a few months ago and have been paying all her bills except for a very few small items she does at her facility (salon, meal tickets), which she pays for with checks. Yesterday, I signed papers at the bank so I am the only authorized signer on her account. How do I tell her she can no longer write checks? It will take away one of the last shreds of independence she has, and it will devastate her over and over again (because she will forget and I will have to tell her repeatedly). She managed a home with 7 children on my father’s mid-income salary, so she has a huge amount of well-deserved pride in her ability to manage money.
Now...you have a valid reason. You have given her a valid reason.
Do not expect her to retain the reasoning.
You can tell the beautician in the salon to tell mom that the cost has already been taken care of as well as the TIP (if she gives one) Or give mom 2 or 3 dollars that she can use to TIP after her hair appointment.
The same with the Meal Tickets. That they have begun to add the cost of the meal to the monthly bill in order to safe cost. If she choses to purchase an extra ticket for a Visitor I am sure they can add the cost of the ticket to the monthly bill or let you know that there was an extra ticket purchased.
I still think that the small checking account of her own funds, made with her own bank is the way to go here. Or a credit card that has limit on spending.
Their bank can help them to arrange something satisfactory here.
When I left to travel home (I live 2000 miles away), she was terribly depressed and quiet and wouldn’t even hug me goodbye. It breaks my heart to see her this way.
I thank you all for your kind replies. It’s been a very sad day.
If she is only writing checks to this facility why do you want her to stop at this point for these two services? Has she actually had a problem? Are the checks written incorrectly?
I like the idea of a small account you replenish monthly if you are afraid she will be taken advantage of.
When my dh aunt “gave up the checkbook” as she put it, she had made a couple of very small mistakes and when we discussed it she said she didn’t think she should manage the check book any longer. But we discussed it and she had the ability to understand she wasn’t as on top of things as she had been in the recent past. She trusted me and we had a great relationship so that does make a difference. She knew she was having trouble with her memory.
I do like the idea of your paying once a month in advance or in arrears and I suppose you could tell mom that it is easier for you to write all the checks so you know you are on top of her finances, that it is new for you and you keep forgetting she might have written a check when you notice the balance is off.
Something to make any issue as a problem you have and not one she is causing. allowing her to help you in other words.
For my MIL, a big part of losing the ability to pay wasn’t just losing independence—she was also afraid things wouldn’t get paid. A lot of times, she felt like she had failed us because she didn’t have a big pension (or on bad days, she didn’t trust that we were capable).
Your mother accomplished a lot financially by raising and managing a busy household. So she may see managing her own money as a duty to take care of you--as well as out of pride and independence. Maybe you could thank her repeatedly for being a good example and for teaching you how to manage money. Perhaps a message like: “It’s because of everything you taught me that I’m able to make your life easier. You worked so hard to raise us and pay for everything. Please let me return the favor. I need to know that I’m taking care of you and making your life easier.”
With my MIL, we found that repeating a version of: “I need [something], can you please [make a sacrifice] to help me?” along with “Thanks so much for helping me do [something]. It makes me happy that I can do that for you,” helped at times. This worked for us over time, I think, because we swapped the task of paying for things with helping us care for her—because we needed to and wanted to.
I hope that helps and that you’re able to find a comfortable solution.
We gave him cash for the woman who came and cut his hair, or if he went out to the diner ,etc in the facility van on an outing .
Give Mom cash for spending money for her “ to manage “. We gave my father in law $100 ( of his own money ) at a time when he asked for more which wasn’t often . We would also ask him if he needed more cash if it had been a while since he asked . Lost or stolen cash is better than the issues with lost or stolen checks and credit cards .
The salon, see if you can workout something with them. You should have an idea what Mom pays. Maybe pay thru an app? Paypal, Venmo. Then the salon tells her they no longer take checks.
I took over being signee on all checks.
We arranged his own account in his own name and kept 2,000.00 in it. That he managed on his own, and I was able to monitor. We got all set up at his regular US Bank which was very good to us, monitoring and helping in all ways.
My brother died before Lewy's could do its worst to him, and was able actually to GROW that account, and loved still going in to see his bank personnel in Palm Springs, who were very kind to him. I lived in San Francisco, and all bills came to me, and I monitored all accounts and holdings to his protection, and was POA and signee on all CDs, Accounts, etc.
For us, with a good POA and his ability to agree and attend with me, things got set up over the course of a year to run smoothly.
Wishing you the best.
You tell your Mom that the facility doesn't accept checks anymore and that you'll take care of all of that digitally, or you make her checkbook disappear and tell her you are ordering more checks.
I would TT the admin and ask them to debit her account.
Then tell your mother that checks have to be cosigned, new bank rule, have her give you the check and you toss.
A little white lie is something we caregivers have to do at times for the benefit of the LO.