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Your mother must be rich if she can afford to smoke and throw eggs.
I would stop visiting her if she's throwing eggs at your car. Or call the police and tell them she has dementia and she's a danger to herself and others. They'll contact APS who will get her placed if she's living alone with dementia.
She could fall asleep with a cig in her hand and burn down her place, or others. I agree you should report her to APS, or call 911 and tell them she's unhinged and you don't know why. They will take her to the ER where you tell the Discharge Planner that she's an unsafe discharge and request the hospital social worker to discuss putting her on track for a court-assigned legal gaurdian and maybe even transitioned directly into a facility or the psych wing of the hospital until they can figure out if she's got a UTI or needs meds for her aggression.
Oh heck no! Dementia or not that’s nothing you should be putting up with. Call 911 and have her transported to the hospital for evaluation and eventual placement in a safe environment. She’s not safe and cannot continue to get her way
Just a thought…Are you doing anything to help her quit smoking besides not buying the cigs? Ask her primary for Wellbutrin for her and maybe a patch?? I’m not up on what’s used to stop these days but I’ve always heard it was difficult to stop. Perhaps find her something less expensive/damaging to throw? I’m sorry for the drama.
It's not up to RhondaB to do anything to get her mother to quit smoking. The only thing she can do is stop enabling her mother to smoke by bringing her cigarettes. It's up to the mother to quit if she wants to and that's probably not going to happen at her age 88.
I'm a believer that by a certain age people should just have whatever they want. Drink, smoke, recreationally use any drugs you want, eat whatever you want. So long as they're not endangering other people.
The mother will get put in memory care. She won't be smoking there.
I am with Burnt here, at 88 she should be able to do what she wants. The Dementia keeps her from understanding why she should not smoke. Her longterm memory tells her she is a smoker. Let her enjoy what she has of the rest of her life.
I worked with a man that had a heart attack when I was working with him. I later worked with the wife and asked how he was doing. She told me he would not stop smoking. She had been on him all the time about it. Finally she told him she was not saying anything anymore. She loved him but it was his life.
It's a fine line between letting a person live their life as they want and enabling them to destroy themselves.
The OP's mother wants to smoke, she can. This does not mean that the OP has to help her in any way to do so. She does not have to get her cigarettes or make sure she's being safely supervised while smoking.
My ex-husband was an alcoholic. He was a wonderful man. A hard worker, generous, kind, and would help anyone. He died of alcoholism. I respect that it was his life and he could do what he wanted. I wasn't willing to be an enabler though, and the OP shouldn't either.
Her mother wants to smoke, go right ahead. Don't help her with it.
When the asinine nonsense and the throwing eggs at the car join the party, that's when it's time to move the party to memory care. No memory care allows smoking.
Long ago story. Great uncle of mine looooveed some wine (okay more than just some). At age 90 he was hospitalized for various maladies. My cousin asked if he should stop drinking. The doctor was aghast: "No that will probably kill him." Buy her the smokes, just make sure she doesn't leave them lit where they can start a fire. It's not like she is cutting years from her life.
But her a Juul. Virginia tobacco pods. A charger. Or two.
. No danger of fire. She gets her fix. Get her a nice carrier for around her neck. Lanyard style. So she doesn't lose it. Buy two. Just in case They need to be degunked occasionally with rubbing alcohol.
Good Lord. Y'all make things way too complicated.
And please don't go spouting off about the evils of vaping. Because it's a lot better than cigarette smoke. Unless she starts scoring pot and that's a whole different ball game. Let her have fun.
I meant buy. Not but. Make it not such a black and white issue. Take away the fire risk. But let her puff away. But once she agrees to use the Juul. Then no more cigarettes we hope.
Why all this hostility? And so few practical suggestions. It's expensive. Call Social Services. Pray that she does burn the house down. Pray that she doesn't.
She wants to puff on a cigarette. Get her a Juul. She'll be happy after a week.
Half the responses sound as though they were written by a smug 90 year old. Who fancies herself to be perfect. And has never peed in her pants. Let's be kinder. Bend a bit. Allow for humanity. Find compromise solutions. I have a 91 year old mother myself. Sometimes dementia brings out the devil in a woman. Just to get a reaction. The I never liked you anyway and now I can tell you so. You're playing her game. A game you will not win. Even if you lock her up. You lose.
Sorry, but it's the wee hours of the morning on this side of the pond, so I'm using that excuse if I seem a bit dense...
How on earth does your 88 year old mum manage to throw eggs (plus the miscellaneous "etc.") at your car and hit it?
Does she go outside, carrying one or two at a time, stand a couple of feet away from your car, then take aim before going back in for more?
Does she set up a little table on the pavement, rest the box of eggs on there, then proceed to throw eggs from a reasonably close distance?
I mention the distance because I don't have a great throw, especially with the early onset of arthritis in the various joints of my arms and hands. Lord knows how I'll be in 31 year's time!
I'm just trying to picture the feasibility of your mum actually giving you a problem because you aren't enabling her addiction. Although, the real problems are more likely the affordability of smoking and the fire risk.
I don't know if you live together or if these outbursts occur when you visit her, but it may be time for your mum to go into care, as her behaviour is pretty unmanageable.
Exactly how my mind works when faced with problems that won't make a difference soon enough. Rotten eggs, hard boiled? . In some states an egg is far more expensive than a cigarette. But why not get her an e-cigarette? She can suck on that. And believe me she won't miss the real thing in a few weeks. II imagine myself saying to the intake lady, "My mother is ready for memory care because she started smoking again. And she throws eggs at my car when I get upset about her smoking so I can't handle her anymore " Sounds like someone needs a chill pill and it's not your mother. Do you really want this to be the last straw that places her with patients with severe dementia? Out of sight out of mind. No one has responded to the e-cigarette idea. It doesn't have to be all or nothing does it? And don't suggest nicotine patches and gum. I guarantee that they won't work with her. Im guessing that it's your way or the highway. Give a little bit. It will bring down your blood pressure. She's messing with your mind and it's working. Relax and think this through. She's laughing at you. Get her vaping and show her how cool it is. Better for her lungs. Takes away the fire hazard. She gets nicotine. Similar oral gratification with vapor that looks like smoke. Doesn't smell the same. But she has to inhale to get the nicotine. Use her hands. Smoking is a ritualistic behavior. This mimics it albeit not perfectly. Her nicotine addiction won't likely kill her. Or maybe,someone knows better. Now I wouldn't suggest vaping other drugs. But she's,egging you on. Got you wasting energy on this. You can fix it. Institutionalize,her Get her so angry that when you visit she'll throw her feces at you, not eggs. Is that your solution? Then carry on.
i don't regard displaying anger as being something peculiar to folks with dementia. Teenagers, even quite intellectually gifted ones, can get pretty damn angry. Seek revenge. Her behavior is not that of a toddler. More an adolescent. Which isn't the mental level most dementia patients end up at. This is 1960's style never trust anyone over 30 rebellion. It took a bit of thought for her to come up with egging your car. She's likely not as far gone as you would like her to be so that you can rid yourself of her. But she still knows you and what buttons,she can push. So laugh about it. Meet her halfway. Acknowledge her cleverness. Not reward it.
You prob need to talk to dr/healthcare person - there may be alternatives eg nicotine replacement that. Can satisfy cravings without the harmful effects maybe a health specialist can talk to your mother about why they’re insisting / maybe it’s a source of comfort and something else can help years ago I had a boss that insisting on tearing the skin inside of his nails - end of meetings his hands looked a sorryful state I got him paper lips to tear instead which stopped his awful habit maybe you can think of something creative to swap to even a hot water bottle ( not too hot tho) held against tummy can provide comfort Does she understand the risks to her health- maybe someone neutral can explain it to her goid luck
Don't buy the smokes for her AND lock up things she can throw (or move car out of her reach). If she threatens to hurt you call authorities for an involuntary hospitalization for evaluation and treatment.
She has dementia and can remember to throw eggs at your car? I’d move the car. And get rid of the eggs. Or buy her alll the cigarettes she can afford and let her burn the place down. I’m surprised a memory care lets her smoke.
An E-cigarette sounds like the good thing to try. If she is truly an addicted smoker and smokes all her adult life, maybe her doc can give her the patch. Put it on after her shower in a place she won’t notice…like the middle of her back. Lock the fridge from the top of the fridge where she won’t notice. You can tell her the door is broken and have to wait for the man to come fix it. If she loved to do something years ago that was simple, like sketching or weaving or washing the car ( just examples). She may be bored. Substitute a good behavior for her egg throwing.
A person with dementia could do anything. However, allowing her to vandalize your car is a red flag to me. I presume she exhibits other behaviors when she is mad, hurt, upset.
She may need to be medicated. If she is throwing eggs, what else might she do?
It is possible to set boundaries for a person with changing brain chemistry although telling her to 'stop' won't do anything. If I were you, I'd park outside of her visual field.
Understandably, she likely is addicted to smoking and craves her drug. On top of that, she has dementia. If I were you, I would talk to her MD about medication.
I wonder if she needs to be placed in a facility / assisted living or a memory care unit. You do not want her turning the stove burners on when she is mad ... or somehow taking out her frustrations / anger in other ways detrimental to herself and others in the home / around her.
I’m sorry but this made me laugh. I care for my 98 yr. old MIL and she does the strangest things and I am grateful she barely walks with a walker and help or who knows what she would come up with.
1. If this anger is unusual behavior then she might have a UTI 2. If she has a history of this kind of angry behaviors then I agree that e-cigs would give her the nicotine hit or patch or gum. 3. She will end up forgetting about a lit cig. and burn the house down. Do not give her those. 4. If you think she might do something more violent then you should take action to keep her and everyone else safe. There are several possibilities: move her into assisted living, get meds to control moods, hire a caregiver. Just don’t give her cig. though she might get somebody else to do so because of her addiction. Safety is the key and meeting her needs as best you can.
This format can be very helpful.. I’m sure you’ll see a variety of posts. Just take what you need from each and fight the battle your way! the most important thing is safety.. do not allow her to burn the house down… now the eggs… whew I’d be more pissed at waisting a good egg with prices being what they are now 😅. Wishing you the best outcome❤️
I don't think your mom will find the same satisfaction with most substitutes or meds like the patch, Wellbutrin, etc. The closest thing to her full habit is E-cigs, but to be honest they're not really like the real thing to me, but maybe your mom isn't as picky as I am. Tell her you can afford only the E-cig, that packs of real cigs are too expensive. I doubt she has the money to keep smoking a pack a day, and if she does have it, she should be paying you for your services and all the other things I'm sure you spend your own money on. Consider laying out your costs for all you do and buy for her, helping her to realize cigarettes aren't in the budget for either one of you. E-cigs will still constrict arteries, they just don't fill lungs with tar....making them still not super healthy, but who cares at this point. Lit cigarettes are way too dangerous for her to handle in her condition. Go with the E-cigarette. Seriously, at her age, if possible, try to find ways to tame her tantrums without her burning the house down. Wishing you the best, I know it isn't easy.
Just curious can She make her own decisions , legally speaking ? And you are using your own income to buy her cigarettes ? If so then don’t , your choice. And her throwing eggs is of course not an acceptable situation and so stressful for you. Maybe she is struggling with losing her freedoms, choices . Just a guess. I don’t know how far she is in her mental / cognition condition but Maybe give her options , other healthy choices, perhaps try a few distractions . Cigarettes not healthy as well as candy, beer, fried chicken etc depends on your perspective. But people like their freedoms at any age and condition.
Do you see the word 'dementia' in the post? The smoking or egg throwing really isn't the issue here. The bigger issue is she has dementia and cannot be living on her own anymore.
Not keeping eggs in the house will not help because the demented mother will find something else to throw.
Clearly the OP's mother is out-of-it from dementia and cannot safely be on her own anymore. She should be in managed care. Usually when there's this level of aggression homecare doesn't work out.
Right -- I agree with everyone who says to just let her smoke. If it's her money, who cares? And throwing eggs at your car? She lives with you? If so, hide the eggs. Alone? Park further away.
If her dementia is such that she might actually start a fire, however, that is a different story. Maybe buy her the cigarettes but remove all her matches.
Honestly, "getting her into a facility" is not some sort of magic thing you can just snap your fingers and it's done. It sounds like that is something you probably want to be moving toward, but I want to acknowledge here that it is not a short-term solution for an immediate issue like this. Just saying. Hang in there!
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We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
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I would stop visiting her if she's throwing eggs at your car. Or call the police and tell them she has dementia and she's a danger to herself and others. They'll contact APS who will get her placed if she's living alone with dementia.
Unless she lives with you. In that case, it's time to find her other accommodations. She will never get better, and this could progress to worse.
Eggs are now $13.00 dollars for a dozen and these prices will continue to climb.
I have to hand it to these seniors, they get better with age.
Good heavens!
Where are eggs $13 a dozen? I'm in Connecticut and paying around $5 a dozen.
Ask her primary for Wellbutrin for her and maybe a patch?? I’m not up on what’s used to stop these days but I’ve always heard it was difficult to stop.
Perhaps find her something less expensive/damaging to throw?
I’m sorry for the drama.
It's not up to RhondaB to do anything to get her mother to quit smoking. The only thing she can do is stop enabling her mother to smoke by bringing her cigarettes. It's up to the mother to quit if she wants to and that's probably not going to happen at her age 88.
I'm a believer that by a certain age people should just have whatever they want. Drink, smoke, recreationally use any drugs you want, eat whatever you want. So long as they're not endangering other people.
The mother will get put in memory care. She won't be smoking there.
I worked with a man that had a heart attack when I was working with him. I later worked with the wife and asked how he was doing. She told me he would not stop smoking. She had been on him all the time about it. Finally she told him she was not saying anything anymore. She loved him but it was his life.
It's a fine line between letting a person live their life as they want and enabling them to destroy themselves.
The OP's mother wants to smoke, she can. This does not mean that the OP has to help her in any way to do so. She does not have to get her cigarettes or make sure she's being safely supervised while smoking.
My ex-husband was an alcoholic. He was a wonderful man. A hard worker, generous, kind, and would help anyone. He died of alcoholism. I respect that it was his life and he could do what he wanted. I wasn't willing to be an enabler though, and the OP shouldn't either.
Her mother wants to smoke, go right ahead. Don't help her with it.
When the asinine nonsense and the throwing eggs at the car join the party, that's when it's time to move the party to memory care. No memory care allows smoking.
The problem needs to be solved by getting her permanently into a facility for everyone's good.
The costs of a house fire because a person with dementia makes a mistake with a cigarette or lighter is pretty high too.
So is the cost of medical care if she's in the fire. Not to mention the psychological cost.
. No danger of fire. She gets her fix. Get her a nice carrier for around her neck. Lanyard style. So she doesn't lose it. Buy two. Just in case They need to be degunked occasionally with rubbing alcohol.
Good Lord. Y'all make things way too complicated.
And please don't go spouting off about the evils of vaping. Because it's a lot better than cigarette smoke. Unless she starts scoring pot and that's a whole different ball game. Let her have fun.
She wants to puff on a cigarette. Get her a Juul. She'll be happy after a week.
Half the responses sound as though they were written by a smug 90 year old. Who fancies herself to be perfect. And has never peed in her pants. Let's be kinder. Bend a bit. Allow for humanity. Find compromise solutions. I have a 91 year old mother myself. Sometimes dementia brings out the devil in a woman. Just to get a reaction. The I never liked you anyway and now I can tell you so. You're playing her game. A game you will not win. Even if you lock her up. You lose.
How on earth does your 88 year old mum manage to throw eggs (plus the miscellaneous "etc.") at your car and hit it?
Does she go outside, carrying one or two at a time, stand a couple of feet away from your car, then take aim before going back in for more?
Does she set up a little table on the pavement, rest the box of eggs on there, then proceed to throw eggs from a reasonably close distance?
I mention the distance because I don't have a great throw, especially with the early onset of arthritis in the various joints of my arms and hands. Lord knows how I'll be in 31 year's time!
I'm just trying to picture the feasibility of your mum actually giving you a problem because you aren't enabling her addiction. Although, the real problems are more likely the affordability of smoking and the fire risk.
I don't know if you live together or if these outbursts occur when you visit her, but it may be time for your mum to go into care, as her behaviour is pretty unmanageable.
But why not get her an e-cigarette? She can suck on that. And believe me she won't miss the real thing in a few weeks.
II imagine myself saying to the intake lady, "My mother is ready for memory care because she started smoking again. And she throws eggs at my car when I get upset about her smoking so I can't handle her anymore " Sounds like someone needs a chill pill and it's not your mother. Do you really want this to be the last straw that places her with patients with severe dementia? Out of sight out of mind.
No one has responded to the e-cigarette idea. It doesn't have to be all or nothing does it? And don't suggest nicotine patches and gum. I guarantee that they won't work with her.
Im guessing that it's your way or the highway. Give a little bit. It will bring down your blood pressure. She's messing with your mind and it's working. Relax and think this through. She's laughing at you.
Get her vaping and show her how cool it is. Better for her lungs. Takes away the fire hazard. She gets nicotine. Similar oral gratification with vapor that looks like smoke. Doesn't smell the same. But she has to inhale to get the nicotine. Use her hands. Smoking is a ritualistic behavior. This mimics it albeit not perfectly. Her nicotine addiction won't likely kill her. Or maybe,someone knows better. Now I wouldn't suggest vaping other drugs. But she's,egging you on. Got you wasting energy on this. You can fix it. Institutionalize,her Get her so angry that when you visit she'll throw her feces at you, not eggs. Is that your solution? Then carry on.
i don't regard displaying anger as being something peculiar to folks with dementia. Teenagers, even quite intellectually gifted ones, can get pretty damn angry. Seek revenge. Her behavior is not that of a toddler. More an adolescent. Which isn't the mental level most dementia patients end up at. This is 1960's style never trust anyone over 30 rebellion. It took a bit of thought for her to come up with egging your car. She's likely not as far gone as you would like her to be so that you can rid yourself of her. But she still knows you and what buttons,she can push. So laugh about it. Meet her halfway. Acknowledge her cleverness. Not reward it.
maybe a health specialist can talk to your mother about why they’re insisting / maybe it’s a source of comfort and something else can help
years ago I had a boss that insisting on tearing the skin inside of his nails - end of meetings his hands looked a sorryful state
I got him paper lips to tear instead
which stopped his awful habit
maybe you can think of something creative to swap to
even a hot water bottle ( not too hot tho) held against tummy can provide comfort
Does she understand the risks to her health- maybe someone neutral can explain it to her
goid luck
However, allowing her to vandalize your car is a red flag to me.
I presume she exhibits other behaviors when she is mad, hurt, upset.
She may need to be medicated.
If she is throwing eggs, what else might she do?
It is possible to set boundaries for a person with changing brain chemistry although telling her to 'stop' won't do anything. If I were you, I'd park outside of her visual field.
Understandably, she likely is addicted to smoking and craves her drug. On top of that, she has dementia. If I were you, I would talk to her MD about medication.
I wonder if she needs to be placed in a facility / assisted living or a memory care unit. You do not want her turning the stove burners on when she is mad ... or somehow taking out her frustrations / anger in other ways detrimental to herself and others in the home / around her.
Gena / Touch Matters
1. If this anger is unusual behavior then she might have a UTI
2. If she has a history of this kind of angry behaviors then I agree that e-cigs would give her the nicotine hit or patch or gum.
3. She will end up forgetting about a lit cig. and burn the house down. Do not give her those.
4. If you think she might do something more violent then you should take action to keep her and everyone else safe. There are several possibilities: move her into assisted living, get meds to control moods, hire a caregiver. Just don’t give her cig. though she might get somebody else to do so because of her addiction. Safety is the key and meeting her needs as best you can.
the most important thing is safety.. do not allow her to burn the house down… now the eggs… whew I’d be more pissed at waisting a good egg with prices being what they are now 😅.
Wishing you the best outcome❤️
All best.
”If not removed immediately, an egg will cause permanent damage to any and all paints, no matter how well waxed and/or maintained the vehicle is”
Egging a car is no laughing matter, especially when you then have to pay thousands of dollars to professionally re-paint the whole car.
And you are using your own income to buy her cigarettes ? If so then don’t , your choice.
And her throwing eggs is of course not an acceptable situation and so stressful for you.
Maybe she is struggling with losing her freedoms, choices . Just a guess.
I don’t know how far she is in her mental / cognition condition but Maybe give her options , other healthy choices, perhaps try a few distractions .
Cigarettes not healthy as well as candy, beer, fried chicken etc depends on your perspective.
But people like their freedoms at any age and condition.
Do you see the word 'dementia' in the post? The smoking or egg throwing really isn't the issue here. The bigger issue is she has dementia and cannot be living on her own anymore.
Clearly the OP's mother is out-of-it from dementia and cannot safely be on her own anymore. She should be in managed care. Usually when there's this level of aggression homecare doesn't work out.
If her dementia is such that she might actually start a fire, however, that is a different story. Maybe buy her the cigarettes but remove all her matches.
Honestly, "getting her into a facility" is not some sort of magic thing you can just snap your fingers and it's done. It sounds like that is something you probably want to be moving toward, but I want to acknowledge here that it is not a short-term solution for an immediate issue like this. Just saying. Hang in there!